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Dear
Panel:
I've
been with the same guy for over 7 years. We're finally
planning on getting married. There's more to the story
but my question in a nutshell is this:
I
don't feel we're really sexually compatible - he wants it
all the time (really!) and I don't. I get tired of feeling
like I have to put out for him when I can't get into it. 
Do I go through with the marriage when I feel this way?
In every other area we are as perfect as two humans can be
- is this too big a difference to make it work?
Concerned
But in Love
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Dear
Concerned But In Love,
Definitely go through with the marriage! If after
seven years of sexual incompatibility you still love
the big lug, it's worth it to give the marriage a
go.
But
you and he need to get to the root of why he wants
sex all the time, even if you're not into it. His
desire is at the extreme end of normal, from what
I've read. I'm no therapist, but to me he reeks of
insecurity, about something...
My point? Talk together and try to figure out what
constant sex symbolizes to him. Perhaps it's proof
that you do love him, or that he's a "real man"
or something. Work hard at figuring out the issues,
and then find a compromise. Maybe you only have sex
on Saturday nights for a while, but you demonstrate
physical affection for him in other ways...it could
be fun working out the issue, after all!
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All
I can say is WOW
. All
that energy and enthusiasm even after 7 years!
Some would call you very lucky. But, I get your
point.
If you've read anything Linda and I have written before,
you know that I'm usually one who thinks that you shouldn't
go into a marriage thinking that you can change a person.
And usually, I believe that's true....for most things.
Sexual relationships though in my experience can and DO
change over time. Sometimes for the better, sometimes
for the worse. The most important thing to do is
talk about it. Don't get whiny, nag or get over
emotional just because it's sex. Talk to your husband
about how you feel. Then make a plan.
Like Linda says, maybe every Saturday. Maybe never
on Wednesdays. But something you both can agree
on.
Good luck. |
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One
more thing - I don't think you should have to have sex
when you really don't want to. If you are feeling pressured,
or like you "have to" because it's his right,
or he's insisting, that's a serious issue. It gets close
to being forced sex, which is abusive to you. Don't
let yourself get into that situation; talk and compromise
before you get there.
On the other hand, sometimes you have sex because he
wants to, even if it's not your favorite activity of
the moment, just because you love him. Kind of like
how you go with him to see his old friend Noodles (or
whatever) even though you're bored to tears. Be sensitive,
do things because you love him, but don't, don't, don't
be a forced sex slave. Bad for the self esteem.
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Tell
us what you think
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