I am 30 years old and married to a man 22 years older. I became his mistress after I finished a relationship with his eldest son (about 6 months after finishing) so I got to know his now ex-wife really well. Things have settled down now except for the ex-wife. She has badmouthed me, caused a 10 year rift in my husband's family and still goes around telling people she has lost her one true love. She won't go on dates, she acts like a martyr, she still slags me off to anyone who will listen etc. She does have a drink problem (not major alcoholism) and is not prepared to restart her life. What can I do to cope with her passive aggression. She has been divorced for 12 years now. She was 40 at the time and still young enough to find a new life but instead has acted like a nun/martyr. Her behavior is supposed to be a permanent reprimand to me, although i was the catalyst and not the cause, she won't accept it. Help!

stella

What can you do to cope with her passive aggression? Ignore her! Unless she's yelling at you directly or making your husband think worse of you, IT'S NOT YOUR PROBLEM. Keep repeating that to yourself. Why do you care if she dates or not? That's no reflection on you.

Bur honey, I gotta tell ya, I'm not sure she's really your problem. If there's a rift in your husband's family it may be because of you and your actions, without any help from her bad-mouthing. There are a lot of families who wouldn't be real accepting of a woman who slept with the son, then had an adulterous relationship with the father.

My advice? Quit worrying about her. If there's family relationships to be mended, focus on you - your behavior and attitudes. After all, you're the only person you can actually control.

Sorry to be so harsh, honey, but you're the one who's made this bed so to speak,

We all make mistakes.

so be prepared to lie in it for awhile. Frankly I feel a bit sorry for you husband's ex-wife. Imagine what she's been through! And as the "catalyst, not the cause" (someone please explain the real difference here, please) I think you need to acknowledge your role in all of this. Stop blaming her. Try and be a bit more understanding, and as my good friend Linda says, control your own behavior.

Why is Stella in such denial? She's the cause of the rift!

As for the rift in your husband's family, well, I think you should have thought about that a very long time ago.

Stella, dear, though it may sound like we're beating up on you, we're really not. I think that both Susan and I are mystified that you think your problem is the ex-wife. Your problem is you, and your relationship with your husband and his family. Where is your husband in all of this? Is he supporting you to his family? Is he saying to them "Hey, this is the woman I love, and that means you should at least respect, if not love her too"?

You're falling into a very common trap of blaming someone/something else, because it's easier than focusing on the real causes (or is it catalysts?!) of

I agree with both of you.

the issues in your life.

Take a good look at yourself, and also, take a good hard look at your husband's role in all of this.


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