Should I be a macho man?

Dear Panel:

A few months past, my girlfriend broke off our relationship to be with another man. That was painful, but the realization that ALL my ex-girlfriends have left me for other men dwarfed that initial pain. I consider myself a gentleman who attends their every need. My guy friends have told me that they break up with me because I'm too much of a wuss. They continue to say that I should become a macho control freak; "women say they hate it but they secretly love it". When I've asked my platonic ex-girlfriends, they say it was their fault that the relationship ended, it was nothing I did. The fact that all six major relationships ended this way makes me feel it's my fault, and I don't think acting like a macho jerk will help any future relationships. HELP!

- Stuck in a bad loop

Hope Answers:

You are absolutely right in understanding that being a macho control freak is NOT the answer. Maybe you are getting too serious too quickly in the relationship or merely seeking after the wrong "type" which ultimately ends in disaster.

Before I got married, I saw this same pattern in my life. I was going from one serious relationship to the next, ultimately being hurt, dumped, or mistreated. After looking back at failed relationships, I realized that I was continually going after the same type of man (extremely confident, popular, jock-types). I poured my heart and soul into the relationships and went out of my way to attend to their every need, as you said. As it turns out, the "type" I was attracted to had more to do with outer qualities than inner qualities that really matter in the long run. These men were more in love with themselves than with me, squelching any possibility of a meaningful relationship.

So my advice is to first look for patterns in your choices.

I agree, he could be dating the wrong type of woman.

Wait for the type of woman that will APPRECIATE you. And when that woman comes along, don't be too quick to jump into a serious relationship, but take your time to get to know her. See if there is really potential there for a lasting and meaningful relationship before giving everything emotionally.

Find the Balance

As for your concern about how to act, there is a balance. A

I don't respect a man who tries to meet all of my needs

woman needs to know she is secure and loved and cared for, yet you can't be a doormat either. But don't ever think that attending to a woman's needs is being a wuss. You will know when you have found a quality woman, because she will truly appreciate that in you!

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