Alicia Answers

Dear Panel,

I'm a 23 old woman and I've been with my boyfriend for more than five years. We have lived together couple of years but we aren't engaged. I like him a lot and, sure, I love him too. There isn't much of a passion between us anymore but living together is nice and we're happy. Now I have found myself thinking about another guy. He's at my age (my boyfriend is 5 years older than me) and he's really nice. We used to work in the same place and I noticed then that he had warm feelings towards me. I haven't seen him for 6 months, only talked to him on the phone a couple of times. He always tells me how he misses me, really Misses me. I would like to see if this other guy is the One for me, but I don't know how! I don't want to hurt my boyfriend, he is my best friend. On the other hand, I don't want to wonder all the time what it could be with the other guy. What should I do?

Help me, please.

Torn

Alicia Answers:

Dear Torn-

I used to believe that the idea of love and commitment was ridiculous. I used to think it was an archaic belief and that marriage's commitment "til death dost thou part" was valid when the human life span was limited to 40 or 50 years, not in a day and age where people easily live to 100. Then I met my boyfriend, and after only two years I suddenly believed in "forever". That we could find the one true love that was meant to be and keep it until we die.

As we have grown together and matured, however, it is easier to accept the possibility that someday our paths could diverge. My interests are constantly changing and so are his, and often in different directions. This is not to say I love him any less, or that we are breaking up, or that we cannot commit to each other, but it is about accepting the reality of the world we live in. I want forever, but it's a lot of work to get there. Maybe you have felt the same at some point.

Enter the former coworker. You say he's nice, and no doubt he is. He has work to do if he intends to break you away from your boyfriend. From your description, your relationship appears good and sound, but is missing passion or fire.

You're right, she can't have both.

Here's this person who was your friend that you saw everyday at work and then he left, and you miss that daily contact. That is not a bad thing. However, you will most likely shatter everything that you have spent five years in creating with your boyfriend if you pursue this other guy.

Count on it -- you'll lose your boyfriend

Is that something you are willing to sacrifice? You say your boyfriend is your best friend and you don't want to hurt him, but you already know that he will likely be devastated if you left for another man. (Generally people can't handle the idea of losing to someone else it's a competitive world)

If your relationship can survive, you have to make the effort to do so. If it won't, deal with that as a separate issue. But making a move for this other guy is going to cause major upheaval in your life. If you decide to follow the path of exploration, your boyfriend may not be there when you are done. Then you'll spend your time wondering what it could've been like if you hadn't made the mistake of going with the other guy.

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