Judith Answers

Dear Panel,

I desperately need some advice and I hope you are willing to help me. I have been talking to this girl I met for about 9 months now. I have been unable to be with her because she has severe family problems. During this period I have fallen for her. She is the first and only girl I have ever fallen for. Earlier in the week we had a discussion where she told me she can't see me anytime soon, and she doesn't know when she will be able too. She left me with about a week to make a tough decision.

What am I going to do? I have thought of 3 possible things I could do, but I hate all of them. They are 1) Move on. 2) Continue being her friend and wait until someday when she can be with me. 3) Try to have a long-distance relationship until someday we can have a real relationship. Are there any other things I can do? What should I do? Please help I'm hurt and confused. Thanks.

Judith Answers:

Chris, You've done a good job of summing up your options. And expressing that you hate all of them. I'm not sure what kind of family problems she has, but you say they are severe. You have to realize that a person with severe family problems is going to need any relationship to be focusing on her and her issues.

But if she really wants to be with him, she would find a way.

And you are going to need to focus on her and her issues. There is going to be very little consideration of you in this relationship - which is evident from the fact that she only gave you one week to make a difficult and heart-wrenching decision.

Can you live with this kind of relationship? It may not always be this way, but it will for the conceivable future. And if you stay in the relationship you are going to have to accept it.

On the other hand, it is a nice feeling to be there for someone who needs you. But you have to have a back-up plan in case it gets overwhelming or you begin to need more than she can give. You can't get stuck somewhere with none of your needs being met - you stop being a good support and start being resentful.

None of these situations will make you happy right now, but some might have better long-term prospects than others. Imagine yourself 6, 12, and 24 months from now if you had followed each scenario. What does your life look like? How do you feel? I suspect you know you should move on - you just may not be ready to admit it yet.

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