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Dear Good Boyfriend,
Stay Out of the Family Mess
Just the fact that you are taking on your girlfriend's family issues
enough to write to this website shows a level of concern and real
love that I'm very touched by. Unfortunately, my advice to you is
stay out of the family mess!
Even if you were married, family issues are always sticky, and
in-law relations can be even more problematic.
I can speak from some personal experience. I had a girlfriend
when I was eighteen whose parents were terrible to her as well.
We spent countless hours on the phone and on dates talking about
how they didn't trust her, how they belittled her, how they made
her doubt herself. I can honestly say that the best thing
I did for her was listen – be there. In fact, even if
you've been married 7 years, as I have, the best thing you can do
is listen – be there – for her.
Women Want You To Listen, Not Solve Problems
Sometimes (pretty often, actually) women talk to men about their
problems, and we think they want a solution. In fact, mostly
what they're looking for is support and understanding. Being
really listened to may even be at the root of her problem with her
parents. You can be the ONE PERSON who actually listens to
her side of the story and supports her.
You Would Be Resented
My guess is that if you were to confront her parents, not only
would they resent you for telling them how to treat their daughter,
but she might even have trouble with you stepping in. This
is a problem between her and them. She needs to help them
see her as an adult and treat her like an adult. It may mean
that it's time for her to move out. It might be good, if her
parents are open to it, for counseling between her and her parents,
so that they really get to hear her side in the more neutral territory
of the therapist's office.
I would do my best to be supportive, stay on good terms with her
parents, and be there for her to hear all of her feelings about
this transitional time in her life with her parents.
- Charlie
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