Mare Answers

Dear Panel,

I love my fiance very much. The problem is, though, that she was my first but I was her second, so our first time was two totally different experiences. And, we will never be able to share that moment together. Also, everytime I think about it, I also get these mental pictures of "them." He turned out to be abusive to her and the last months were very bad and she says that there's not a day that goes by that she doesn't wish she could take it all back. I want to know how to get over my hangups though, because it's ruining our sex life. Everything was fine until today when it finally bothered me so much that I had to bring it up. Up until now, she was fine and I tried not to think about it so much. Please help me see that it's just us now.

Thank you.

troubled sex life

Mare Answers:

Replace the mental pictures you have of "them" with mental pictures of you and your fiancée. Make the pictures as sexy, intimate, and/or full of fantasy as you want. (I happen to have many mental pictures of me and Brad Pitt in many different settings.) If you can't seem to come up with your own mental pictures, stop having sex.

I agree with stopping sex, but for different reasons.

I bet that your desire is going to win out over your jealousy.

You are so lucky to have someone who loves you and is faithful. (You've probably seen the many letters we get from people who don't have such a desirable situation.)

At least she was honest, you should see what so-so-confused did...

Be sure to cherish her and appreciate her. She can't change the past any more than you can. Most importantly, she didn't do anything wrong in the first place. She shouldn't have to suffer.

As I told Kassia, Having sex before marriage is wrong.

I agree with you that this is your "hang-up." It's going to be really important for you to work through this. If things don't work out with your fiancée, it's very likely that you'll date others who are not virgins. Will you have to go through this same process over and over with everyone you date? You should also ask yourself if there is something else going on in the relationship that might be causing you to pull away. You might want to get some help from a counselor who can help you sort this out.

If you're committed to this relationship, I believe you can move past this phase and enjoy a wonderful intimacy with your fiancÈe.

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