Gillian Answers

Dear Panel,

My boyfriend and I have been together for 1 year and 4 months. I am 23 and have been in one long term relationship before (one in which I was emotionally devastated following our breakup). My boyfriend is 22 and has never been in a relationship longer than a couple of months. I am always questioning his faithfulness and dedication to our relationship. He has never done anything to make me believe that he would ever cheat on me or leave me for someone else, but I fear that my own insecurities are driving him away.

This week an old "good" friend of his is coming to town. She moved away before they became an item and she has since declared her feelings for him. He told me that she is coming to town next week and he wants to spend as much time as possible with her since he hasn't seen her for 2 years. It is driving me insane! What do I do? I want to forbid him from seeing her, but I know that will only cause more problems. He thinks that I don't trust him, but I think it's her hold over him that I am so scared of.

What should I do?

Torn

Gillian Answers:

Before I get started, I just want to make sure you aren't considering asking Boy to choose between you and Friend. You wouldn't do something like that, would you? Because even if he does "choose" you, there is going to be a lot of resentment there: on his part, for being forced to sever ties with Friend; on your end, for it needing to come to the point where you had to issue an ultimatum at all.

If he is going to give her an ultimatum, she should read my Ultimatum Rules first.

Anyhow, I think issuing an ultimatum would be pretty pointless, because I am convinced this situation has almost nothing to do with Boy (or Friend, for that matter).

"But, but, but..." you say, "Of COURSE it has to do with him/them!! What if they smooch/do the nasty/hold hands during her visit??"

Nah,

Her instinct Could be right on this.

he's not going to cheat on you with Friend. I would be really surprised if he did. I mean, he told you about her confession of love/lust -- not the brightest thing to do if you're planning something sneaky, right?

And, yeah, it's okay for you to feel a little weird about this friend of his who is possibly carrying a torch for him, but -- it should be a dealable thing, right? It is somewhat uncool if Friend confessed these feelings while you and Boy were together, but it sounds like he communicated to Friend that he is not interested, so it's not really an issue.

So that leaves us to concentrate the third vertice in this love triangle you've constructed -- that would be you.

I have a feeling you don't think you're fabulous enough to deserve Boy. You're also afraid that he is going to realize that, and when he does, he will leave. So you're already plotting the way this will happen, with Friend, because you know she had feelings for him at one time, and because her visit is causing you anxiety, and because she's convenient.

I agrre with everything you say, 'm stuck in a similar pattern.

But we've got to back up to the first step in this thought pattern, the "I'm not worth this guy" feeling. Is that what's going on here? I think it is because you say he hasn't done anything to make you think he would cheat on you. So you really need to concentrate on why you're feeling this way -- about YOURSELF, not necessarily about the relationship. Although they're related of course, they're not the same thing.

Good luck, Torn. I think you're going to be okay.

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