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You both raised
a LOT of valid issues!
The
Wife Comes Before Family and Friends
On the one hand, I agree with Sue that the most important relationship
is the marriage. The wife should come before family or friends,
without question. In the Bible it states that the husband should
leave his father and mother and cleave (or be joined to) his wife.
That means that the husband and wife are a new, separate family
and should make choices independently about important issues in
their lives. That does not mean, however, that your family (and
friends) are no longer important, or that you should not take their
feelings or desires into account.
Sue comments, "I cannot marry my fiancée if I have
to worry about the rest of my life complying with what is best for
his parents and siblings and friends, with what I feel is no regard
for my needs/wants and opinions..is this a control issue I have
and should correct?"
You're
Marrying Into His Family
While you are right
in wanting to be #1 in his life, you will definitely have to make
compromises to live peacefully with his family. When you marry Bob,
you are marrying his family too because your husband has a right
to want to spend time with them. It is also healthy to maintain
friendships outside of the marriage, so there will be times when
you will have to support him on important family matters, or allow
him some time to spend with his friends, even when you don't want
to. And if you don't get along with his family, that will be uncomfortable.
Living with your family -- and in-laws -- is a fact of life that
needs to be dealt with on an ongoing basis. This issue will never
just "go away."
How
Will You Feel Once You Are Married?
To Bob, I say that if you are bothered and concerned about "your"
income going to support your future wife, how will you feel about
it once you are married? By marrying her, you are surrendering everything
for the good of your family; it will not be "your" income,
but yours and your wife's. What will happen when you have children?
Sharing everything you own is a fact of married life, so don't get
married until you can accept that.
You also need to honestly look at your relationship and determine
if you can live with Sue's personality, relationship style, and
family values for the rest of your life.
You said,
"I have
seen these traits in her deteriorate since we first started going
out to where she does little else than watch TV and play on the
computer anymore. In part I feel that she has become too dependent
on me, whereas she was a very independent person before I entered
her life."
Is there something you can do to bring that sparkle back? To help
her regain some of the independence she once had, if in fact she
wishes to become more independent and outward-focused again? Is
this perhaps indicative of her true personality? If so, can you
accept that?
Having said that, here are the two main problems I see woven throughout
your stories:
Basic
Incompatibility
1. It seems that you have a basic incompatibility
on several levels: family interaction styles, social styles, personality,
religion, among others.
These issues will have to be dealt with the rest of your lives
and will be guaranteed to come up over and over again. The question
you must both ask yourselves is whether or not there is a set of
compromises you can come up with that you are both willing to live
with. If there are no workable and realistic solutions in your eyes,
then you are saying that "having it my way" would be better
than being married (in which case you are not ready for marriage
anyway, at least not to each other).
Intense
Feelings Are Not Enough; You Need Commonality
Having intense feelings for each other is not enough to create
a good marriage.
There needs to be some commonality of beliefs, ways of handling
conflicts, and goals and aspirations in life. It seems like the
two of you are heading in different directions, have different ideas
about what you want your life to be like, how you want to spend
your time (and with who), how you want to raise a family, and how
you want to relate to your families.
Religious
Differences
You both also mentioned your religious differences. This will turn
out to be a significant point of difference in your marriage, as
it flavors your views on many aspects of your lives together (and
you can't hide it from your family forever...). If you intend to
get married, all of these issues need to be aligned somehow -- through
either of you making fundamental changes in your lives or through
compromise. If there are some issues that you are unable to compromise
on because you feel so strongly about them (i.e., certain religious
or family beliefs), or because they are firmly rooted in your basic
personality and identity, then you need to examine the feasibility
of a successful marriage.
Selfishness
2. Each person is more concerned with getting his or her
needs met than with serving and bending for the other.
In addition to making compromises and value assessments on what
things can truly change in your relationship, you will each need
to learn how to look out for each others' interests and needs, and
not just for yourselves.
Focus
On Your Partner
What I am about to suggest may sound impossible, but try it, even
if only for a month: if you take your eyes off yourself and try
to focus on loving and caring for the other person's needs, this
will create a more peaceful and giving climate in your home that
will enable both of your needs to be met more effectively. You see,
we often get it backwards; we think that we have to look out for
ourselves -- "take care of #1." But that attitude
only creates division, bickering, and selfishness.
Look
To God For Fulfillment
God wants us to
look out for the interests of others and to be a "servant"
to all, without expecting anything in return. If both of you learn
to adopt this attitude and look to God to fulfill your desires and
needs, you will be amazed at how the other person will respond to
your selfless acts by reciprocating some kindness in return. There
is something about focusing on others that makes us think less about
our own problems, wants, and needs, giving us the joy and contentment
that we were seeking in the first place.
Get
Counselling
Finally, I suggest that you enroll in a good premarital counseling
program where the issues you raised are explored and dealt with
before you get married. Such a program will help you to determine
if you are able and willing to overcome your incompatibilities.
Be
Honest
But you must be honest with yourselves. If you are not honest about
it now and go along with something that you really cannot accept
for the rest of your life, then the truth will eventually come out
and cause bigger issues down the road.
Hope
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