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Dear Sue & Bob,
Whew......I hate stories like this where I read one side and I think, "she's definitely right", and then I read the other side and think, "he's definitely right!" It's like a republican and democrat squaring off. You hope that they're both trying to make the country a better place, and they're probably good people, but they have ideas which are diametrically opposed and they participate in horrible squabbles.
It is impossible for me to determine who is right and who is wrong in this situation. I would have to know both parties intimately to make my decision, and even then, I'm not sure my decision about right and wrong would be valid--it would only reflect my bias. The reason for this is that human behavior consists of a range of behaviors, and that most of us gravitate towards the middle. But there may be nothing wrong to prefer one end of the spectrum or the other.
When I read Sue's shading of the story, I can certainly empathize with her.
 I
have been in relationships where my partner was more religiously observant
than I, and also relationships where my partner put her family ahead
of me.
When I read Bob's shading of the story, I empathize with him, because I remember relationships where I got tired of sitting home evenings watching the TV, when I wanted to go out and have some fun, especially after a long day in the office.
The ideal relationship is where both partners have similar views, where there are not compromises always needed in every aspect of relating to each other, or, alternatively, where their views enhance one another.
 Compromise
is an integral part of relationships, but the problem is how to compromise
totally opposing views, such as whether Bob is too involved with his
family.
I would expect other hard feelings to arise when both people feel
that they stand to lose so much, and that seems to be occurring
here.
Sue
Never Mentioned Her Joblessness
Bob tells about Sue being out of work for 2 1/2 years, and Sue
never even mentions this. If Sue isn't taking care of babies
or looking for jobs or out doing social things, then what IS she
doing? 2-1/2 years is an awful lot of time for a misunderstanding/resentment
to fester. Unfortunately, I don't have Sue's version of this,
and I hope that she realizes that is as big an issue as it seems
to be.
Ok, enough rambling/analysis. Your relationship is having
serious problems.
The
difficulties encompass the total spectrum, i.e. family, religion,
economics, sociality, etc. I'm surprised that with all of these
differences that you two had ever gotten together. If you want
to stay together, you'd best put your heads together, clear up misunderstandings,
make some major compromises that you BOTH can feel good about, and
chart a future that you can both agree to. Otherwise, you might
want to make this the last Christmas that you tear each other apart.
Lefty |
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