Reader "Been There" Responds:
It's great that you're concerned about your friend and
want to help her. The key thing to do is not to try to force
her to do anything. She's been forced in a devastating way
already, when her boyfriend raped her.
When a person is raped, there are huge feelings of loss
of control. About the worst thing a friend can do for someone
after she's been raped is to insist that she do certain
things or feel a certain way.
Help Her Feel in Control Again
Instead, help her feel in control again. Help her make
her own choices. Build her sense of empowerment and control
by helping her to do the things she wants to do. Don't try
to take over for her - that already happened in the worst
way when her boyfriend took her over by raping her.
The best and only thing you can do for your friend is to
listen to her non-judgementally, be there for her if and
when she wants you to, and offer support and advice if asked.
There is NO Normal Response
Keep in mind that there's no such thing as a "normal" response
after being raped or sexually abused. Different people respond
differently. In each case, their reaction is a "normal"
response to a completely abnormal occurrence. Try not to
judge whether her reactions a day after being raped was
"normal" or not. She might actually feel fine, or might
not want to deal with her feelings about being raped. If
she breaks down in three months, or becomes depressed, or
gains weight,or continues to act like her "old self", whatever,
it's a normal response.
 After
I Was Raped
After I was raped, a good friend of mine made a really
good point to me about getting help even though I felt fine.
She said, "you go to the dentist for a check-up, even though
you don't have a toothache. You do it to make sure you're
really okay, and to prevent problems from happening later
on. Even though you feel fine now, it might be a good idea
to see a counselor soon. Consider it a preventative measure,
like getting a dental check-up."
That made sense to me. I saw a counselor once, and decided
to see her some more. But it was my decision, within my
control. You might give the same suggestion to your friend.
Good luck to you and to her.
– Been There
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