Jayne Answers:

Dear Sean,

This letter hits home really hard.

I was once in the situation you are in now.

You"re a nice person, the one you"re with is a nice person, you care about each other and you seem like two pieces in a puzzle that automatically fit.

The only problem is the other person is kinda "moody" sometimes. She kinda broods and stuff and won"t let you in on what"s really happening. She keeps distancing herself from you and all you want to do is make her happy and jump into her skin and know how she"s feeling.

Of coure she changed. People do change when they go to college.

But then she "changes". Automatically stops talking to you like she used to, started lying to you, started to literally run awayÊand then its over and you don"t know exactly whyÊAnd all you want to know is, "How can I possibly love somebody like that again? She was perfect for me! I"ll totally get hurt again by someone else because even the person who I thought was so right for me didn"t stick around."

So this is your problem right? It was mine tooÊis mineÊsee you never really forget the experience. You and I need lessonsÊon how to be ourselves and love it. How to be able to be by ourselves without the only reason being that we just got dumped or we"re feeling down on ourselves.

You Need to Focus More on Yourself

We should not focus so much on the other personÊwe need to learn that "being nice" to the other person is not going to make everything better. We try being the "nicest people in the world" because we want people to like us, to love usÊwe want to compensate for sometime in our past in which we didn"t feel accepted or lovedÊand when we finally find someone we care for we want to give them all the nurturing and caring that we felt we didn"t getÊlike giving them flowers and gifts and being there trying to keep them happy.

But that doesn"t work all of the time. We tend to pick people who are hard to understand, who we are just trying to love and care for desperatelyÊand we can"t deal when they just want some time aloneÊor they start "changing" without letting us in on the secretÊwe feel betrayed.

Maybe "K" felt like she couldn"t talk to you because you were too busy trying to jump in her skin instead of being a person she could talk toÊmaybe she felt too much pressure from youÊshe didn"t want to see the look on your face when your heart broke. Maybe.

But the point is not why, the point is that it happened and you wanna know what you"re going to do about it. I say get your closureÊtalk to her and find out what went wrong. But don"t hope that things will change for the better between you, it could just be over and that"s it. However you have a right to know why this went wrong without it seeming like your world crashed down without reason.

"K" wasn"t communicating with you for whatever reasons about how she felt so its not like you know what led up to her breaking up with you in the first place.

You also wanted to know how to put love into anything again without feeling like this will happen to you again. My best advice: Find out who YOU are first.

Upon reading the story and learning about you I kinda had the feeling you were being the "nice" personÊlike me. I do this to fight off rejection and to get people to like meÊespecially people who I am romantically involved with. I love them and I don"t want them to go awayÊand when I"m with them I tend to lose a sense of self and put all of my focus on them. Did you do this when you were with "K"?

Don"t feel like it"s your fault, no matter what you did in the relationship or not. Its no one"s fault...people do change just like you said.

Don't Give Up on Love

You"re too young to worry about whether you should give up on giving enough loveÊbut you need to figure out what you think love really is and whether or not you were feeling in love or just attaching yourself to a person who you related to. Giving love shouldn"t only benefit the person you are loving, but it should make you feel whole too. You should feel so happy that you"re able to emote such a strong emotion and feeling that its bigger than the both of youÊand whether or not you get hurt should not be the biggest issue.

But there are NO guarantees. He will probably be hurt again.

The point is that if you love someoneÊreally love someoneÊyou just feel happy that you, an ordinary nice guy could actually give so much of yourself. You should feel proud and not afraid when you love someone. No need to sound too sentimental or clichÞ but, when you freely love someone no holds barred, no doubts no fear no other motive but loveÊthen that proves that you love yourself to the nth power.

I hope I could help you, Sean.

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