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On one hand, I'm a big
fan of not rushing into things when you're very young, but on the
other, you do sound mature and thoughtful, and I wish you the best
in this relationship.
Now to the nitty-gritty:
You have two stressors compounding an already stressful situation
- your parents' demand to move back home along with your communication
problems with the fiancé all on top of wedding preparations!
Oy! I don't envy you.
That said, here's my
take on each of the two situations.
About
Your Parents...
The parental interference
is somewhat easier to tackle. For the most part, I think they're
being unreasonable and manipulative: at best trying to get one last
stint of their little girl at home before she leaves to set up her
own household, or at worst attempting to assuage personal guilt
or undo some supposed lack on their part in teaching you a value
system that frowns on "living in sin" before marriage.
If they can afford to
pay for the wedding and previously offered to do so, reneging on
that offer is a gross breach of trust that is hurtful to you, and
communicating that to them may be illuminating.
However, there is a little
voice inside me that, in trying to see their side of it, gives the
benefit of the doubt and says that you should be as accommodating
as possible to their requests, since they ARE paying for the wedding.
Still (yet another qualification! And I said this was the SIMPLE
problem...), moving back home would probably be highly impractical
for you after living with your intended for so long, and if you
point this out to them you might be able to get them to see from
a perspective they hadn't considered.
About
Communication With Your Fiance...
As to communication between
you and your fiancé, you yourself have distilled much of
the information you need to improve the situation - perhaps you
just need a little prodding to see how to apply this information.
Take
Care of Little Things AS They Come Up
One way to cut down on
occurrences of small arguments turning into huge fights, often exacerbated
by interjection of past indiscretions or failings, is to bring up
little things as soon as they come up. In the short run, this could
bring a flood of nitpicky comments, but if you both consciously
make an effort to do this, you could find easy ways to alter some
habits, cease others, and simply learn to live with still more -
in either case, once they've been brought up and dealt with them,
they are no longer fair game in other situations.
Again, this takes some
getting used to and you both have to understand and agree to do
it, but it makes living with one another much easier in the long
run.
Avoid
Calling Each Other Names
Another important point
is to try and avoid calling each other names or using blanket statements
about character flaws (you noted as an example your fiancé
calling you a hypocrite). Unless one is the pure embodiment of a
certain trait, and no human on this earth is, this is NEVER fair
and just as rarely true.
In this case, try not
to present this in a one-sided attack that will put him on the defensive.
If you can't think of any instances where you have done the same
thing, pretend that you don't recall any specific infractions of
his either, but just say that you know you've both done it, you're
both guilty, and you should both try to stop. As with most things,
this will take some effort and a change will not be accomplished
overnight, but the benefits of changing your patterns of speech
to each other are priceless.
Think
About What You Are Thinking
One of the things I learned
in a past relationship was applying cognitive behavioral methods
to fixing a relationship from the inside. That is, literally thinking
about what I thought about, trying to see the thought process through
to its conclusion, taking the other person's perspective and thinking
about how s/he would see my behavior, and eventually working on
altering any destructive or negative behavior.
This is a personal endeavor,
but it does not mean you must undertake it alone. Talking about
the process with your partner, writing about it in a journal, sharing
it with a friend - all of these are valid accompaniments to your
healing and change.
 Couple
Counseling Could Help
To your credit, while
admitting to some of your own and your fiancé's flaws, you
note your mutual desire to communicate more effectively and make
things better. While I hope the advice you receive from me and my
colleagues is helpful, you should not be afraid to turn to professional
help before or after you get married - guided counseling sessions
with your partner can often be tremendously enlightening, and sometimes
just a few meetings with a therapist can foster a lifetime of normalcy
(I purposely don't say "tranquility" because life isn't always tranquil).
May you find all the
happiness you seek and deserve!
Mensch
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