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Dear Confused,
I am living testimony
against getting married young just because it feels "right" or "okay."
When you are young, the
course of events feels huge. Short periods of intense love and feeling
seem endless, and permanent. But, as I learned at 22, when you marry
your college friend with doubts in the picture, it can easily mean
disaster.
The
Pain of Divorce is worse than a Stopped Engagement
My girlfriend, then wife,
and I were great friends with a wonderful network of close friends.
Our families were close, and I absolutely loved her whole family.
It seemed at the time, that even though there were really deep issues
between us, the intensity of our relating could make it all work.
My wife had many doubts
about me being the right one for her. Instead of saying no, when
I asked her to marry me, she said yes, and the doubts grew. They
grew until she finally said, 10 months after we were married, that
she thought it was a mistake to get married. Believe me, after a
huge wedding, and all the expectations, the pain of divorce was
much worse than the pain would have been if she had stopped the
engagement.
Don't
Stay With Someone Just Because They Will Be Sad If You Leave
You should never stay
with someone just because they will be sad if you leave. Love works
when both partners are looking out for themselves first and foremost.
If you are staying with this guy to take care of his feelings, you
will definitely grow to resent him and feel like you are sacrificing
yourself for some idea of the relationship.
So, please, for you,
for him, take care of yourself now. Trust your doubts. They are
"undoubtedly" real reservations. You have to move beyond his sadness
to what it is you are really feeling.
Talk to him honestly
about it. Talk to your parents, your friends, your church leader,
your therapist. Mostly, though, you will be talking to YOU about
what YOU really need and want.
You may find that as
the doubts come out that they will feel less important (you HAVE
been with him quite a while, was it just because you like him and
don't want to hurt him?) Or, have you been with him because the
real love is there, and there are issues you need to work on together?
But examine these doubts...real love will wait for the doubts to
be resolved.
Love,
– Charlie
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