I Am Steve

Call me Steve. I am a 23-year-old medical school student completing my first year.

Girl in a Glen is the Love of My Life

"Girl in a Glen" and I met in college and entered into a serious relationship. She is the most wonderful and caring person in the world, and we brought a lot of happiness to each other's lives. Unfortunately, we broke up in September (see below). Girl in a Glen is the Love of my life.

"Meg" is a girl I was dating after Girl in a Glen.

"Matt" is the guy Girl in a Glen started dating after me, and continues to date.

"Woof" is a mutual friend of both Girl in a Glen and myself who has provided support for both of us from his awkward position.

This is a Painful Story for Me

This story is a long and painful one for me to tell. Girl in a Glen and I met in college when I was a sophomore and she was a junior. I was immediately attracted to her, and after some awkward wooing, we started dating.

It didn't take long for me to recognize that Girl in a Glen was truly special; Girl in a Glen was the first girl who truly captivated me, who truly held my interest. It's natural that after the initial buzz of dating someone new wears off, you become acutely aware of what you don't like about the other person. That was not so with Girl in a Glen. She persisted in being enchanting by just being herself. Everything about her sang to me, and as our relationship deepened, I became happier and happier, and I believe she did, too.

We Were Perfect Together

We were perfect together. Sure, there was minor conflict here and there, mostly due to the fact that I was taking my premedical education and my lab research very seriously, and I dedicated a lot of time and energy into it, sometimes at the expense of spending time with Girl in a Glen. But it was all so minor compared to the predominance of exciting and wonderful times. Yes, I'd say we were perfect together.

Long Distance Did Not Work

Well, unfortunately, with her being a year older, we were facing the prospect of maintaining a relationship after she graduated. We were unsure of what to do, but we pressed on, and we found that while we may have been perfect together, we were not so good at the long-distance thing, and it started to strain our relationship.

She Expected Too Much

Now, let's be fair to both of us here. I think the main reason we didn't fare as well initially at long distance was the fact that there was an imbalance in our relationship. To be honest, Girl in a Glen was expecting too much, perhaps making our relationship too central to her life to be healthy (that is, she was thinking about how to be near me instead of thinking about what career would be best for her).

I Chose Career Over Relationship

Steve, be proud of yourself. You are correct in putting your career goals first.

On the other hand, I reacted at the opposite end of the spectrum: career over relationship, and so I started to close myself off. I felt a bit suffocated by it all. I mean, she was asking me to consider some issues, and either I was then unprepared or simply too stubborn to consider them. And so, as she got more demanding, I got more distant.

I think of those times upon reflection as a "tripping up." She walked too close, and I walked too carelessly, and we ended up getting tangled and falling. In matters such as this, we are both to blame, and so trying to place blame, in my opinion, is a futile exercise.

After Graduation, She Was Unhappy

Girl in a Glen seemed to be unhappy in the world. She didn't know what she wanted to do with her life (which alarmed me, since I had always known what I wanted to do, and so I didn't truly understand her position, that not knowing wasn't really a bad thing at all). When she finally found a job, she was unhappy.

She, being a truly compassionate person, was thrown for a loop when she took a job that tested her ability to restrain that compassion. And so conversations with her were a disaster sometimes. She was always upset, and I seemed to be ineffectual in ameliorating that sometimes. I understand that life is not always roses, but it seemed like it was never roses then.

It felt to me that our relationship was the sole thing she placed her happiness in, and when minor things impeded our communication (such as errors with Netmeeting), it exacerbated the unhappiness. Maybe it was due to an inflated sense of self-importance, but it felt like she was depending on us to be happy, and when that went south for the slightest of reasons, I felt like I was letting her down.

I mean, Girl in a Glen is so wonderful, and she deserves happiness like no other, and I always wanted to give her that. When she was around, I'd like to think I was good at that. When she was gone, I felt like I was failing miserably, and that was hard to deal with. My solution at the time (and an idiotic one): retreat even further, close myself off more. Exactly what this relationship did not need.

We Both Agreed to Break Up

I reluctantly agreed, because it was what YOU wanted.

Eventually, we reached the breaking point, and we decided to call it quits. I don't know what Girl in a Glen told you (and I always trust her to be honest), but the decisions were always made on mutual agreement, and it was agreed that it would be the best thing.

Well, it turns out that the bad times with Girl in a Glen were better than the good times without her, and we both realized that we belonged together, and so we got back together. Thing is, we hadn't taken the care to learn any other lesson than that it wasn't fun being apart, and so we made the exact same mistakes again. This happened three times: a honeymoon homecoming, followed by a spiral back into the same mistakes we had made before.

We Were Straddling a Paradigm Shift

I think part of the problem that year (I was a senior in college, and she was in the real world) was due to the fact that our relationship was straddling a paradigm shift. Here I was, still in the protected world of school. I knew I was headed for more school, and so my priorities seemed in line to me. I wasn't thinking about life outside of school. She, on the other hand, was out there in the real world, and she had to figure out where her priorities lay. We were on two different levels, and that was a strain.

Fast forward to September, 1999. After having spent some wonderful time together during the summer, Girl in a Glen and I were together, and things seemed to be good. I was a month into med school, and I was scared.

Up until then, I had always been a good student, capable of doing practically anything I tackled. I could gauge my preparation for an exam, and I very seldom let myself down when it came time to prove myself. Med school changed all that. Never before had I studied for days on end only to fail an exam. I was never sure if I was doing enough or not.

I Freaked in Med School

I felt like I was in over my head, like I didn't belong there. Med school faculty call it "the impostor syndrome," where you start to feel that you don't belong, that you're not worthy. All the rumors you've heard about med school are absolutely true, in fact, they're even worse... for the first 5 months or so, that is.

I was running scared. I started to doubt a great many things. Was I poised to let myself down? How about my professors? How about Girl in a Glen? I started to dedicate a lot of time to med school, more than I ever had to any other study. I was doing more than I really needed to, trying futilely to try to remember everything, not willing to admit that there was no possible way anyone could learn everything (a very humbling lesson dealt by med school the hard way). I was burning myself out, exhausting myself. I was at one fatal extreme. I was a scared little boy.

Girl in a Glen had just switched jobs and geographic locales (still very far away). When she was looking for new jobs, she attempted to discuss with me the possibility of seeking a job that would allow her to be close to me. At the time, scared little boy that I was, I found it to be a daunting and ponderous notion. Would she be moving out here for herself, or for our relationship? Let's say that our relationship falls apart... would she resent me and us for moving for nothing? Would we be happy?

I was also admittedly afraid of the implications. That was a serious move, a serious affirmation of my commitment, the extent of which I wasn't really ready to handle. Don't get me wrong, I was very committed to Girl in a Glen, but we had never discussed lifelong arrangements like marriage. I felt so ill-prepared to deal with the world, realizing that the protection of college had kept me naive that I felt in no way prepared to be somebody's husband. Again, chalk it up to straddling the paradigm.

Anyway, Girl in a Glen was in a new job, and she was unhappy and homesick. Our conversations again turned sour over bad Netmeeting connections. Our relationship was becoming a source of strife at times, and I was running so scared that I didn't think I had time to deal with it. I was admittedly distant. We wouldn't talk for days, because I would work myself into slumber at school, and end up spending the night.

If you can't make sacrifices, don't waste your time.

She offered to visit, and I declined, not because I didn't want to see her, but because I didn't think I had the time to properly receive her (I never took time off back then), and I was worried that it would only disappoint and upset her if she came.

I Fear Failure

As you can see, I have a real fear of failing. It's not something I do well. And I had a very legitimate fear of failing med school, and having been something I had dedicated my entire life to preparing for, I simply could not fail. I didn't know the rules of the med school game at that time, and so I focused my attention to not failing med school, and in the process, I ended up failing my friends, and most importantly, Girl in a Glen. I'm also long-winded, too :)

I was so scared. I was still a little boy making little boy mistakes, and in the process, I was hurting the woman I love. We finally reached our breaking point, and we called it quits for the last time. It was very hard for both of us, harder for me than I let her know. I tried to be strong, still a little boy trying to act like a man, and failing miserably in his naïveté.

We Agreed It Was Over (Again)

The consensus was that it was over, maybe not forever, but we definitely needed some time and space to center ourselves. I needed to figure out my limits and redefine my work ethic, as well as I needed to ask myself the questions that would allow me to grow into the man I needed to be. She needed to focus on finding more happiness outside of our relationship, and find more satisfaction with her job.

Well, I'd like to think it worked. In the time since then, she seems to have become more happy with her career, and I have found the proper balance. I have evaluated my priorities, and I have become a man. I even take nights off every now and then!

In the time since we had broken up we had both started to date other people. Finding somebody has never been a problem for either of us, and so we dated others. I dated a few people before finding someone who captured my interest for more than a few dates, "Meg." Girl in a Glen, too, had started to date someone else, "Matt," though I did not know that, since Girl in a Glen and I didn't discuss that we were dating others.

Now, Meg, like the girls I dated before her, was a neat girl. Fun, wonderful, what's not to like? But, the simple fact is that she was not Girl in a Glen.

You see, I had not stopped thinking about Girl in a Glen, but I was trying not to throw a wrench in her life by bringing it up to her, unless I knew she'd be receptive.

Well, when I was visiting some old friends, among them Woof, I finally aired to him that I really missed Girl in a Glen. Finally having gotten a good head on my shoulders, I realized that running from my problems with Girl in a Glen destroyed the most wonderful relationship anyone could ever hope to have.

I Grew Up & Realized I Wanted Her

I mean, some people can go through life and never find a true love, and I was one of the lucky ones to find that, and I threw it away by being a scared and bull-headed little boy, who tried to run away from problems instead of tackling them. They were mistakes of boyhood, and while I regret them, I cannot necessarily blame myself to the way I responded, because my lack of perspective made me ill-prepared. Now a man, I looked back on those boyish mistakes with painful regret, and I realized that I wanted Girl in a Glen back in my life.

Keep in mind, this is BEFORE I ever knew about Matt, so lest one think this is motivated by jealousy, think again.

Well, when I returned from my vacation, Girl in a Glen called me on her own accord, and shared with me that she missed me and still thought about me. Finally, after months of being scared that she may not be receptive to me sharing my feelings, I saw that the time was right to tell her I felt the same.

Well, after a week of discussion on the phone, she decided that she should come and visit to see me in person. I agreed that it would be a good idea, since it had been seven months since we'd seen each other. The understanding was that this visit was for the purpose of talking face to face, the way we know best.

We Had a Wonderful Weekend

There was a lot of restraint that weekend in speech and action. But, slowly, we both let our guard down. We slept in each others arms while she was here (one of my favorite things in the world). We hugged, we kissed, we touched, we shared our feelings for one another. On her own volition, Girl in a Glen brought up topics such as marriage, talking very seriously about how it would have to work (I'd have to convert religions), and she asked what our kids "will" look like (not "would"). In short, this weekend brought a lot of hope for the future.

"This is it," I thought, and armed with that hope I realized that it was not fair to Meg, who I liked but could never love, to get closer to her when my heart was elsewhere. I explained this to Meg (and was honest about everything that happened that weekend), and she was upset, of course (and so was I, because I really liked her), but she understood my feelings and was actually very supportive of my quest to reunite with Girl in a Glen.

Suddenly She was a Different Person

That hope seemed to last until Girl in a Glen got back to work the next day, and from there, she seemed to get closed off. Sometimes, it didn't even seem like I was talking to her, because the words and the phrases were foreign to her tongue, which I knew well.

Painfully, her perception of the weekend of hope became perverted into a simple experiment. She said that she came to see if she still had feelings for me, as if kissing me and touching me, and being intimate were just diagnostic measures. That hurt, because I know that is not true, and I think she does, too, but as I said, it sounded like someone else talking.

After telling me that she loved me, she then told me that she was simply "too happy" with the way things were with Matt, and that she intended to continue dating him, even though she knows that it will never be love. Well, I have a serious problem with that, which I will discuss later. But, my primary response is, if things were really so happy, then why is she reaching out to me?

It was 8 Weeks of Hell

The next eight weeks that followed were a real roller coaster. Every moment that gave a little hope was later dashed. It's due to a lot of things, I think.

See, I was talking to two different people: there was Girl in a Glen, and there was pseudo-Girl in a Glen. Girl in a Glen spoke in a language that was familiar. It was not always what I wanted to hear, but it was coming from her. Pseudo-Girl in a Glen had the same familiar voice, but the logic was twisted, and invariably the news was bad. I couldn't understand where pseudo-Girl in a Glen was coming from. I began to suspect that the man behind pseudo-Girl in a Glen's curtain was Matt, and a slew of friends that don't even know me.

You see, Girl in a Glen told me that while she talks to her friends, she never lets them know how much she misses me, and wants to be with me. I can only imagine, then, what I sound like to them: an ass who drove her away and is now pining like a lost child. I know Girl in a Glen doesn't allow others to make decisions for her, but I know that the approval of friends can be a very powerful influence. Ask any one of her friends, and I guarantee you they'll say, "he blew it, forget him." It's easy to villainize an enemy whose face you've never seen.

I can only imagine that Matt was making the situation more difficult. I will admit, I was not laid back in all of this, and he probably was. He frankly has less to lose, since he has less feeling invested, and he has a home court advantage, so of course he's going to take it easier than a guy whose panicking a thousand miles away, unsure of where he stands with Girl in a Glen. You have a guy freaking out and a guy who is pleasant... it's very easy for feelings to get lost in the convenience of it all.

Sorry this is so long, but I think it's important to get the full picture, and I think you'll find me quite impartial, at least historically speaking.

Well, as I said, the last eight weeks have been hell. She says she loves me, that she wants to be with me, but the actions betray the words. She says she doesn't know if we should get back together. I offer to come visit, and she declines, saying that she thinks people will find it "sketchy" (again with the external validity). Yet, all the while, she continues to affirm her love for me on her own volition, and frustratingly, she continues to date Matt.

It all seems to boil down to two things:

She Says that She Can't Trust Me

The first is that Girl in a Glen says she doesn't feel that she can trust me. Completely understandable, since it is true, we do have a history of rocky times that cloud a 2 1/2 year history of prior perfection. What's to say that this time won't end up in disaster like before? Well, as I've explained, I've grown up, I understand my limits, and I have learned my lessons, and I trust that Girl in a Glen has done the same. I am settled into med school, and she is settled in her job, and we've both centered ourselves. I am confident (based upon a careful intuition and firm perspective) that this time will be different, and I think Girl in a Glen wants to believe that, too.

Thing is, it's a conundrum... the only way I can earn her trust is through actions, by showing how I feel. But, in order to show her how I feel, I must have her trust. Ahh, what a frustrating cycle...

She Claims that She Doesn't Want to Hurt Anyone

Of course I know that I am hurting you. But, no matter what I do, I will hurt someone.

The second is that Girl in a Glen says she doesn't want to hurt anybody. Well, by this, she seems to mean Matt, because she knows full-well that her continued liaison with him is hurting me, and rightfully so. Let me explain:

True, Girl in a Glen and I broke up and dated others. I have no problem with that. I've done that with past relationships that hit their end. But, now, she comes to me, and kisses me, and touches me, and tells me she loves me, and says she wants to be with me, but none of that is good enough to actually BE with me?

Girl in a Glen was very concerned that when I expressed a desire to break up last fall that I was not motivated by a desire to be with someone else. That was very important to her, and she was quite explicit about that, and understandably so. If that had been the case (which it wasn't), then she made it known that I would be forever banished from her love, and I understand that.

How Can She Date Matt When She Says that She Loves Me?

Well, this situation, I feel, is no different. Sure, the labels are switched around, but the simple fact is that she continues to date this guy when she says love me. Think of it this way: you end a relationship to be with someone else, you are barring a relationship with someone to be with someone else.

In this situation, I am being barred from a relationship with Girl in a Glen so that she can be with somebody else. The outcome is irrespective of the path, that is, to put it scientifically, it is a path-independent process.

I am with someone else because every time that I trusted you, you hurt me. I don't want it to happen again.

If she says she loves me and wants to be with me, and wants to spend her life with me, then what is she doing with someone else?

On top of that, the very fact that I am hurt by this, and I express my desire to start again with her makes it very difficult on her, she says. If she knows that I am hurt by her continuing to date Matt, then if she broke up with him, would that be for her own good, or to appease me? Even if Girl in a Glen and I are heading in the same direction, it is very threatening when you believe an important decision is being made for you, even if the outcome would be the same, and so she's afraid to act, I think, questioning her motives, but all the while making it harder and harder to consider ending her relationship with Matt.

Etc., Etc., Etc.

Stop your whining. This is like listening to Dawson's Creek for 6 hours with no commercial break. If readers would like to skip to the bottom, click here.

Needless to say, I have been a wreck, and that's not been helping things. Here I am, enjoying the most rewarding experience of my professional life thus far, I have a wonderful group of friends, and I am well-liked and respected by my peers. I have all the success right now that anyone could hope for, except for the fact that I cannot share it right now with the only person who makes all of these pursuits and victories seem worthwhile. And it's not that I just need somebody, because somebody has never been a problem: I need Girl in a Glen. I want to share my successes with her, just as I want to share in her successes. It's like in Jerry Maguire – she completes me. She truly does.

Well, the past eight weeks has not been our finest hour. She waffles, I persist, saying all the wrong things at the wrong time. I have tried everything I know to impress upon her how serious I am, but it has all backfired because of my intensity... it's all very pressurizing, I admit. And even though I recognize that I'm playing the game all wrong before I act, I find myself unable to modify the behavior to make things less pressurized.

But, that's not to say I have been out of line. I firmly believe that I have every right to feel, that I can be hurt by this situation, and share it with her. After all, if we never identify the source of all the issues, we're never going to get anywhere.

I Need To Know I Can Count on Her

You see, I'm in a rough position here. Girl in a Glen needs a completely pressure-free situation here, and I of all people understand that, and I want to give it to her. But, in order to give her what she needs, I need a little something, too. It's not much, really: I simply need to know if she's really into this, or simply playing a game. I can stand here and count to ten while she hides, but I need to trust that she's actually going to hide somewhere, and not just run inside and leave the game, leaving me searching in futility to find her.

Well, sometimes, I feel confident that she is in the game, and so I relax, which seems to be what she needs. And invariably, it seems that when I let my guard down, Matt gets closer. And so naturally, that puts my into overdrive. I try so hard to maintain the pleasantry, but as I paint on a smile, I am grinding my teeth.

She Likes the Convenience of a Guy Who Takes Her Places

It sometimes seems to me, and to my peers, that she really just wants to ride the fence on this one. On one hand, she likes to know she has someone to love, but she also likes the convenience of having a guy who is nearby and can take her places all the time.

If convenience shouldn't dictate love, then why did you break up with me to concentrate on med school?

But, I wasn't aware that convenience should dictate love. And so it seems sometimes (and this is just my perception) that she wants me to tiptoe around her, so as not to wake up Matt while he sleeps in her bed.

There are times when resentment creeps into me. I mean, I am giving my all here, and coming up snake eyes for reasons that I cannot grasp with my heart or my head. If Girl in a Glen were anyone else, I would have been gone weeks ago. But, I know that Girl in a Glen and I were meant for each other, and that we can share a future like the one she talked about with me, and I don't want to give up on that dream, which I know can come true.

It's a tough situation, because she needs to feel no pressure, and that means that I can't always share how I feel, because she gets uncomfortable to know that I am hurt or upset. But, at the same time, when I can't share how I feel, I get very upset.

As I said to Girl in a Glen in a recent e-mail, in response to her comment that she wished that this situation "weren't so complicated":

"This situation is not complicated. It's not even close to being complicated. In fact, this situation is quite simple: I love you, you love me. The only complication that exists is that which has been imposed upon it from the outside. If we choose to accept that extraneous complication, it's only because we have some perverted desire to make our love into a battle of wills, and I tell you something, if we allow that to escalate, we're both guaranteed to lose."

We're losing here, Mr. Sensitive. There is so much more to this story, but I don't want to put you to sleep with an epic tale.

It all boils down to this. I am not wrong for feeling... no one is. I am therefore not wrong for feeling hurt that Girl in a Glen intends to continue dating Matt, while she tells me she loves me. I personally believe that it undermines our feelings for each other, and indeed, she has admitted that it's the only tangible thing that is holding her back right now. My dignity and self-respect finds that unacceptable, but nonetheless, I swallow my pride and endure, though I fear I'm desperately close to the breaking point. Girl in a Glen is not wrong for needing space, but I can't give that space if it's just for her to retreat from the consequences of her continued liaison with Matt.

I would have no problem relaxing and giving her the time she needs if I can trust she won't run inside and end the game while I'm counting to ten, the hand cupped over my eyes rendering me oblivious to the changing atmosphere. All I need to know is that when I finish counting, I'll be able to find her.

Confident in that, I could count for as long as she needed.

– Steve
Male, age 23, USA