Dear Steve,

What do you mean 'tellsa story like a pro'? He was whining like a bad Dawson's Creek episode.

You tell a story like a pro. Are you sure YOU weren't the English major?

This is a very sad story. It's hard growing up, and realizing that the choices you've made have led to the situation you are in, and not being totally satisfied with the situation, or even miserable, but not able to take back the choices. Or even wanting to, because if you could undo them you wouldn't have learned so much.

You Have to Let Her Make Her Decision

The main thing to realize is that this, unfortunately, is not your decision to make. You've presented Girl in a Glen (hereafter, GIAG) with a choice. Now you have to be prepared for her decision.

In fact, I mentioned to her that she is TOO focused on her image, she should worry more about how she feels.

There are factors for her to consider, including the past, the present, the future, her image of herself, her plans for herself, etc. Things you've freed yourself from considering, because you already have decided your future, your plans, etc.

Your discussion of a paradigm shift is very interesting. These situations happen in every relationship - circumstances change and suddenly patterns in the relationship are now based on nonexistent premises. The problem comes when those patterns ARE the relationship and the relationship can not adjust to new circumstances.

Although it did not sound like the patterns were the relationship, your relationship did not survive a paradigm shift. If not, why was it unable to adjust? How, if you are going to renew a relationship, can you learn to adapt to changing circumstances in the future?

Obviously he CAN'T be sure. If they do get back together, they will break up at least 20 more times.

How can you be sure that if you have another go at it you will be able to take what life brings? Think these things out for yourself, and share them with GIAG in a non-demanding way. It will be an interesting, if hard, discussion.

Prepare Yourself for Her Decision

It is time to start preparing yourself for her decision. You need to take some time to pull yourself together, realize that you have given her this power in your relationship, and figure out what to do with whatever her decision is.

Try the visioning thing I suggested to GIAG. One to two years from now, you are now interning or in your residency (sorry, I'm not familiar with the med school schedule). One scenario: you have renewed your relationship with GIAG. Scenario two: you are over the relationship and have moved on with your life. How do these alternatives feel? Does one feel more likely or realistic, or just more honest?

Once you have prepared yourself for any outcome, you may start to feel less demanding and needy. You may feel a little free to live your life, with her or without her.

UPDATE: I'm still a med student, but I no longer speak to Girl in a Glen.

Good luck. And keep writing – possibly another change, this one in careers? Even though I doubt it, I hope you continue to write more than medical case studies.

– Judith