Dear Panel,

My name is Crystal. I am 18 and have about 4 weeks left until I graduate from high school. I am going to take a year off of college and work full time. I will be going back to be an Interior Designer. I am pretty independent and very mature for my age. I know what I want out of life. I am kind of shy at the start, but when I get to know people I am very outgoing.

I Started Dating Jesse When I was 16

I wasn't shy with Jesse until now. Jesse is who I will be talking about. Jesse is my ex boyfriend, we went out for over a year. I loved him with all of my heart. He was 18/19 (graduated form high school) at the time and I was 16/17 (Jr. in High school). He is very outgoing and will meet and try anything. He was sweet, not very romantic, but smart, He taught me so much. He respected me so much, I think that is why I love him so much.

No other guy had ever given me the respect that Jesse did. When we broke up He went through 4 jobs, is always intoxicated whenever I see him now, which is almost every weekend or more. He had a hobby which was stereos and cars. Not anymore.

He has been through so many different groups of friends since we broke up too. It has been about nine and a half months since we broke up. His friends before we started going out were Chad, Scott, etc.

When we first met, I saw him and totally fell in love with him. I just knew He was the one. I hadn't had a relationship any longer than 2 months until I met Jesse We lasted for over a year. At first we didn't go out right away, we had to sneak around behind Scott's and Chad's backs because Chad wanted me. This happened to Jesse a couple of other times, Chad or Scott would like a girl and the girl would like Jesse

His Friends Stopped Talking to Him

Anyway Scott had liked me, so Jesse and I had to keep us a secret. One day Scott drove by my house and saw Jesse's car parked there. He was very upset which led to his friends not to talk to him for the whole time Jesse and I were going out. Jesse and I were together all of the time for a year straight. We hardly were ever apart.

I know this was bad, but I would get mad if He did go out without me. I missed him so much I wanted to be with him all of the time. I would get jealous really easy which was not so good either. We were so happy together until it hit over our one year, then something happened.

When His Friends Started Talking to Him, We Broke Up

Jesse's friends started calling him again and forgiving him for what happened a year ago. We just started to fall apart. All we did was fight for the last couple of weeks and He started smoking pot with his friends leaving me behind. I would go home and just cry every night because I knew it was ending. It has been the toughest thing in my life to go through, breaking up with Jesse

He Has Changed So Much

He has changed so much. He got into harder drugs for awhile after we broke up and He said He quit that stuff but I don't know. He hangs out with those kind of people now. I wanted to get back with him, but the last time I asked him He said not right now, but it doesn't seem like He wants to ever.

He won't even tell me the reason why we broke up. At first I said we should break up because I knew He wanted to also, but He just couldn't say it. Right after I said we should break up I didn't want to, but He said we should try it. He even told me when we broke up that He still loved me.

I Could Have Spent the Rest of My Life With Him

We have so many good memories together. More good than bad, I think so anyway. I could have spent the rest of my life with him. The bottom line is that I still love him so much. I have tried to find other guys, but I just can't. All I think about is Jesse and I compare them all with Jesse

I have tried but I love him with all of my heart. I understand now that I did partially ruin the relationship on how I reacted a lot of the time.

I want him to know that and I want him to know that I have changed and I have learned out of this relationship. I have told him that, but I don't know if He really understands and believes me. I just want to be in his arms again. I have learned, trust me and I would make it so much better if He would just give me another chance. I know I would never mess it up again. Not if He gave me another change. I miss him so much.

Now He works construction and works in Oklahoma once in awhile. He is going to be there for a couple of weeks. I want to say something when He gets back, but I don't know what.

Should I talk to him again or should I just let him go?

I want to be with him so bad, but I am scared to ask him to be with me again or even bring anything up about our past.

What should I do?

– Hopelessly in Love