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Dear Confused,
You're asking one of
the most difficult and important questions about relationships,
but the fact that you're asking at all (and the positive turns of
events so far) is important in and of itself.
Both
People Must Be Ready & Want It
There are two crucial
"absolutes" in my mind when it comes to making love:
- First, it must be
completely consensual, that is, both people must want it to happen.
- Second, both people
must be READY, and this is a more difficult state to define clearly.
Feelings have much to
do with sex, and you said you "felt kind of strange" and asked him
to stop. You have to go with your feelings in these situations;
you will probably never regret or be terribly hurt by NOT sleeping
with someone. The alternative is... well, let's just say enough
people have gone that road that you don't need to try it.
Your partner sounds like
a sensitive, understanding guy, and if that is indeed the case,
he should accept that (if it is ever to happen between you two)
it may not happen the first (or even second or third) time the situation
presents itself. You will KNOW when you're ready (within reason;
I'm assuming reasonable ages here), and that'll make your first
time special and meaningful.
I realize I'm speaking
in terms that are rather hard to pin down, but that comes with the
territory when we deal with emotional issues, not cold hard facts.
I can only add a reference to my own experience in this area: I
was 21 before situation and feelings converged for the first time,
so I'm certainly not a blind proponent of "getting it out of the
way" while your'e in your teens (I don't know how old you are, this
is just generally speaking). In addition, in a much later relationship
I resisted the opportunity to sleep with a partner because _I_ felt
she wasn't ready. I was right (she realized this shortly thereafter),
and, regardless of whatever else happened in the relationship, we
do not regret NOT having slept with each other.
To summarize: Go with
your feelings. If it doesn't feel right, wait. In a healthy relationship,
it is also a good idea to keep your partner involved in the process
to some degree, talking about your feelings and misgivings (or positive
expectations). Communicating your emotions will help ensure that
you both do the right thing.
– Mensch
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