Dear Desperate Fella,

This woman you are in love with and are ready to commitment to does not sound as though she has successfully shed her baggage from previous relationships.

Her Past Relationships Were Too Controlling

It has nothing to do with past men, she just isn't ready for a serious relationship.

I would guess that the love of your life has been with other men who have demanded to know where she is, who she is with, how long she will be with them, etc. In other words, she has been with very CONTROLLING types of individuals.

Although you do not sound as though you are cut from that same type of cloth, she is imaging that you are because that has been her experience with relationships up until now.

Does this sound accurate?

If so, there are a few options that might help you.

1. You must urge her to work out her "relationship history" by talking to a third party -- a good counselor or therapist, who can help her separate her past (these other relationships) from the present (you...the man she is now with).
   

2. How can he convince her that she has no obligations, when she clearly does.

   You can remind her on a regular basis that you are very much aware of the fact that she was with previous partners who demanded to know everything about comings and goings, but that you are not one of these "types" and you do not intend to put that sort of pressure, control, or paranoia on her now or in the future.

Reassuring her regularly may or may not help. If this has been her only experience with relationships, she is going to have a hard time seeing you as anything but "the enemy" and will continue to put some distance between the two of you in one way or another.

Do not commit to such a person before they work out some of these past issues. It will only come back to bite you.

You cannot make someone feel a particular way just because you want them to, but you can help foster an atmosphere of trust. It sounds like she doesn't trust your intentions, simply because of her own relationship history.

It is Hard NOT to Inherit a Person's Relationship History

When you are in a relationship with someone, it is difficult to NOT inherit that person's relationship history. You need to find out what these other men did to make her feel this suffocation and go out of your way to do the opposite. Most importantly, give her and your relationship time. You have to be like the ocean beating against a rock -- gently but continually.

Either she will come around to trust you and your different "take" on relationships, or she will remain determined to project her previous relationships onto you. That is her choice. Don't give up on her but don't expect this leopard to change her spots overnight. It is a process and takes time, patience and understanding.

If you truly love her, let her know that you are willing to wait and will work with her along the way to help her see that she is in a healthier relationship with someone who truly loves her and someone who does not simply want to control her or keep a watch on her 24 hours a day.

Carolcat