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Dear Desperate,
It sounds like you know
your partner very well, including some history that influences her
current behavior (no more or less than all of our histories influence
ours). And as this relationship sounds important enough for both
of you to work on, I would suggest sticking to it and continuing
to try to fix it.
Good communication (which
it seems like you've been trying to maintain) is key, and you should
continue to encourage and assure her that you're not keeping track
of her because you don't trust her or for other sinister reasons.
Point out that two people in a healthy relationship can indeed do
things together or separately, but that a level of mutual respect
and communication should be maintained so conflicts don't arise.
Sometimes small misunderstandings
can explode into big fights, when the whole business could have
been avoided by just a few polite words exchanged ahead of time.
I realize I might be beating the "communication" mantra into the
ground, but that's what it's all about, you know?
A good way to encourage
the behavior you're looking for is to model it yourself. That is,
in the perfectly natural way you expect her to tell you about her
plans, tell her about yours. If you don't have any, make some! Tell
her you'd like to get some guys together for an activity you all
like, and you just wanted to make sure she knew.
She may not like the
fact that her decisions affect someone else, but that's the way
it is in a serious relationship - still, this does not have to be
a bad thing. Two people who really love each other should be thinking
about the impact of their actions on the other person, but should
certainly maintain their own identity and personal space.
 Hiding
Negative Feelings is a Slippery Slope
Also, while it's noble
of you to want to make her feel comfortable, I'd watch it about
hiding negative feelings, as conscious as you are of the motivations
for it. That's a slippery slope, and could lead to latent resentment
and bigger problems down the line.
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I
think that she could perceive this as mocking her. |
Try to put a positive
spin on the situation, maybe even dissipate the tension surrounding
this issue with some humor - perhaps exaggerate and joke about filing
a detailed itinerary of your plans down to the minute, submitting
it in triplicate to her and whoever else is in on the plans... I'm
just coming up with this off the top of my head, don't take it as
a tried-and-true prescription. I'm sure you'll come up with something.
I wish you the best
- you sound like a great couple, and I hope things go splendidly
for you!
Mensch
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