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Dear Stupid Girl,
Your self-ascribed moniker
indicates that you are blaming yourself for the bad actions of another.
Stop it!
I really believe that
most men are dogs. We take very little responsibility for the consequences
of our actions in general, and in relationships in particular.
Strong statements? Sure.
But look at the facts. Most guys will push the physical aspect of
the relationship to the point where the girl/woman says, "stop."
How responsible is that? Why aren't the guys emotionally invested?
Why are they putting the control of the relationship in the hands
of the woman?
I guess, if you know
this, that you should establish ground rules up front. If guys are
just trying to get into your pants, and that's apparent, then wish
them well and get the hell out of there. If the guy seems like a
good guy, let him know that if he's just pretending in order to
get into your pants, that it's not okay.
I mean, if we assume
that guys won't take responsibility, then unfortunately you have
to. Do we wish men were less focused on their penises? Do we wish
that men would take more responsibility for fathering children?
Do we wish men were more sensitive to the needs of women emotionally
as well as physically? Do I even need to be asking these questions?
Next time, before sex,
have the talk. I know, it ruins the spontaneity, the romance for
the moment. Bottom line though, if you go with the romance and the
spontaneity you can end up in bed with him gone in the morning.
The talk is, "Hey, I really like you, what's next with us?" It's
not like you're getting married or anything, it's just an honest
opening to the realization that you don't just want a one-night
stand. If the guy is not comfortable with this, lose him, fast...or
realize that what you're getting is another dog in the pack.
Some guys also lose respect
if the woman let's them get too far.
Some guys also are afraid
that sex means real emotional involvement, and they can't handle
that.
Men
Need Women to Say NO
On the respect issue:
when guys are conflicted about whether or not they should be having
sex, they actually NEED the woman to tell them no. Just like their
mothers.
On the fear issue:
most people (not just men) are nervous about intimacy and letting
themselves get too involved with this person they've just shared
the most intimate of acts with. If we let the nervousness carry
us away, then we abandon the potential for real intimacy, and even
better sex. I guess we ought to be doing what we can, when we sleep
with someone, to help them feel safe enough to take the next step
in opening up.
Ranier Maria Rilke, the
poet, said something to the effect of, "sex complicates everything."
I agree with this.
For some, the answer
is abstinence until the level of commitment, like marriage, is clear.
For me, the answer is honesty, and making each other feel safe to
express the whole set of feelings that come with a sexual relationship.
If you both are making each other safe to express and feel, the
sky's the limit, in my opinion.
Love,
Charlie
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