Dear Confused,

You are right. This man sounds like a wonderful life partner, but there is something lurking just below the surface that needs to be uncovered and addressed before you climb the diving board and plunge into marriage.

Investigate His Past

Find out what you can about his past history with women and the problems that might have existed in his previous marriage and other relationships. This detective work at this stage of the game is crucial. You sound like a smart woman. Be smart about this issue now, not after you are married.

You are learning that there is often no "visible" logic for other people's reactions and feelings. The key word here is visible. Rest assured, however, that there must be something in your fiancüe's past that is triggering this jealousy, loss of control or obsession about your previous life.

Closing Down is a Red Flag

The fact that he closes down to you about this is a RED FLAG. Pay attention to that warning sign. This doesn't mean that you should write him off. It means you both need to communicate about this issue and put all cards on the table. Demons need to be seen, not hidden, in order to exorcise them.

It is important for you to keep an eye on this behavior. If he continues to obsess and you are unaware of his reasons for acting this way, it is time to drag him (kicking and screaming if you must) to a third party (a good therapist or minister) to get to the heart of this matter before you tie the knot. Otherwise, you could be marrying a person with a real issue about jealousy, obsession or a need to feel controlling about everything and anything. I'm not saying that he does have any or all of these problems, but it is important to know what you are dealing with before you jump in feet first and commit yourself, and more importantly the life of your child, to this partner for life.

Do not hide your head in the sand about this issue. Deal with it head on. The energy you put into this dilemma now will pay off ten-fold down the line.

Best of luck,

Carolcat