Dear Sad and Scared,

Sometimes the food goes bad and you have to throw it out.

It is time to wake up and smell the petunias. Why in the world would you want to save your marriage to a man who is cheating on you with a relative of yours? This is NOT your fault.

You're right, she shouldn't be blaming herself for this.

Women tend to blame themselves for everything and anything when their husbands stray.

Not only doesn't it give him license, the lack of sex was probablly a symptom of some other problems.

If you feel you have not been a willing and active sex partner the last few years, this does not give him license to do what he did and for you to feel responsible for it.

Unless He is Begging for Forgiveness, Dump Him

Unless this man is on his knees begging for forgiveness for this hurtful mistake he has made, do not waste the rest of your life on him. I realize these are harsh words, but there is no other way to approach the situation that you are dealing with. He does not sound remorseful, you do. What is wrong with this picture?

Your husband does not sound responsible or faithful. He cannot possibly make a good role model for your child in the future. If he has broken your heart in this way now, he is certainly capable of doing it again and again. Why would you want to put yourself and your daughter through such misery?

Whenever I hear someone say "I am willing to do anything to keep him", I see a red flag. You sound as though you need him more than love him. You also sound as though you blame yourself for this "adventure" he's taken himself and your family on. If that is the case, please realize that you are a young woman and have plenty of time to learn how to rely on and like yourself and to not "require" a partner like this one, who does not deserve your attention or love. I know those are harsh words, but his behavior is inexcusable. I hope you wake up and realize this before you waste more on him.

I also hear a lot of "shame" in your note. You don't want your family to find out. You have not been a good sex partner. You sound as though you are beating yourself up a lot.

My advice is that you search out and receive some one-on-one counseling, not for your marriage, but to assist you with your own self-esteem issues. Without it, you will be a prisoner of your husband's infidelity, and a prisoner of what other people will think, for the rest of your life. Life does not have to be this way. Give yourself a chance to wipe the slate clean of shame when it comes to this man. He is not mature enough to be a husband or a father. Cut him loose before you lose more than you already have.

Please let us know how you do. It is very difficult to take these steps without some assistance. Ask for help. You deserve it and you should be able to rustle some up some affordable and good counseling in your area. Put a stop to the shame and the demeaning behavior in your relationship. There IS another way to live than in fear and sadness. Give yourself the gift of a new way of being in the world. It will be the best thing you could ever do for yourself, and your young child.

Carolcat