Dear sad and scared,

Hey this letter was so muddled with crazy details its hard to know what's really going on. However this is what I have noticed:

You're acting like everything can go back to normal if no one finds out. Okay realize this, this isn't just something that you can sweep under the rug and not worry about. You have to think about why it happened. Why did these people betray your trust? Will they do it again?

But What is Your Husband Willing to Do?

You seem only mad at her and don't mention how much of a loser he is. You say, "I am willing to do anything I have to, to keep her out of our family." What about your husband? he's the one who messed up your little family by being unfaithful. What's up with that?

You seem to blame yourself without wanting it to seem that way. "I have not been a very active sex partner...[for] the last few years. I have turned him away a lot." I don't know what your intentions were when you added this in your letter, but it just seems like a cop-out and a lame excuse.

Don't Blame Yourself

Sex is usually a symptom of the problem, not the cause of the problem.

So what if you haven't been active sexually? Hey that's a big deal in a marriage but you're supposed to talk about these things and find a solution. Was he angry about not getting sex a lot? Anyway you don't go behind someone's back and cheat with her niece of all people under the same roof just because your wife is holding out. If he says that to you he's lying, though he may convince you and himself that was the reason things are just not that simple. There were other reasons why he cheated.

You don't know how long its been going on? this indicates that you and the people involved are not even talking about it and it seems as if you think it will go away if you don't (see above). Miscommunication is partly to blame in the first place.

You don't want anyone else to know. Hey I can understand that...this is embarrasing...but if the family has insinuated about their alleged affair in the past, chances are that they ALREADY KNEW! that's the least of your worries, don't put up a front and don't worry about being embarrassed 'cause chances are they all know anyway. You have to focus on how to make things better for you.

It is not fine, she SHOULD lose him.

You don't want to lose him. Okay fine. I can understand that, you've got a daughter and it would be terrible if your marriage didn't work out. But I don't know if you were trying to write a terse letter or what, but you didn't mention, how does your husband feel?

If he didn't get down on his knees to beg for forgiveness, she should dump him!

Did he apologize? Did he say it was a mistake and that he doesn't want things to fall apart? You said you don't want to lose him but make sure that he doesn't want to lose you before you fight to "keep" him. Talk to him about it and decide if its worth keeping him...if you really love him enough to forgive him.

You love your daughter... and you said that he's a good dad so I'm assuming he loves her as much as you. Don't have her growing up with secrets and lies in the family surrounding her parents. Unless your 15 year old is brain dead she has some idea of what's going on. She knows that something ain't right. And if you cant talk to her and comfort her about what's going on at least don't start an example of pretending that things are okay when they are not. 'Cause no matter how many band aids you put on a gushing wound to disguise it, attempting to heal it, it will be in vain. Believe that.

Plus you gotta talk to him and see what's on his mind...get some counseling together if you're BOTH willing to really make this work. But don't pretend that everything is all roses when it is not.

Good luck,

Jayne