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A
Reader responds:
Definitely,
empty threats have not worked, on either end. She is asking
for her boyfriend to commit, but on the reverse end of that,
she is also not sticking to her guns about what she wants
and what's right for her.
By your
own example, you have taught your boyfriend what to expect
and how to treat you. Before trying to change him, you need
to change yourself.
Make your
decisions based on what's best for you -- if you want to
be married to HIM, then tell him it's time to move forward
or it's time to end it. But you have to mean it -- you have
to follow through with it. If you don't, you are no different
from the man who changes for two months and then reverts
to old patterns. You are also reverting to old patterns
-- if you change yourself, then things around you will change.
A lot of
people assume that things will be happier if "he changes"
-- forget that. You can't expect HIM to change because YOU
are unhappy -- you have to make the changes within yourself
first. Figure out for yourself what makes you happy first.
If he (AS IS) truly is one of the things that you are happy
with in your life and want to move forward on, tell him:
"This is what I want, this is what I need; can you meet
my needs?"
If he can't,
respect that and move on. And if he says he can, ask for
more than just his word. Ask for counseling for the two
of you, ask for a firm commitment. But if you just jump
into the same pattern again, nothing is going to change.
Instead of expecting him to be different, SHOW him that
you can be different and that will help teach him how.
-- Jeannie
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