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Dear bb,
Problems
That Hide Beneath The Surface
Your description of your
current relationship is full of seemingly conflicting characterizations,
as well as an unfortunately all-too-familiar situation I've read
about and observed in my own life: people staying in unsatisfying
relationships believing things will get better or the partner will
change with time.
The problems you are
facing now cannot be pinned squarely on either partner's shoulders,
and they are hiding just beneath the surface of what you wrote.
Let's explore a bit:
You
May Be Pressuring Your Partners
You imply that you have
been looking for a lifelong commitment since before you were 20.
Whether or not you were
actually ready for such a commitment at that age, the nuances of
your behavior in the context of a relationship transmit certain
signals to your partner, and if a person (man or woman) feels pressured
or stifled, he/she may very well withdraw or flee. Possibly part
of the reason you have received no proposals so far.
Try to seem ready, but
not too eager. Challenging, but feasible.
Mixed
Signals
More specifically, regarding
your current boyfriend: It appears to me that you have settled into
something of a pattern that is not entirely healthy for either of
you, and that both of you are misinterpreting some signals the other
sends out.
 He
May Not have The Financial Resources To Get Married
On the one hand, your
boyfriend claims poverty as an excuse for not buying a ring to denote
a commitment to an eventual wedding. You say the ring doesn't matter,
but consider what is left unsaid here. Possibly, his lack of readiness
for this major commitment, but more practically, the lack of resources
to maintain a married household.
Marriage often implies
starting a family, which carries many added financial expenses,
not to mention the social, psychological, and personal changes and
compromises required of each of you.
Another
Bad Pattern: Lack Of Communication
Your other major point
is the apparent inequality in basic responsibilities in a relationship
(the cooking, cleaning, etc.). Again, you describe a pretty unhealthy
pattern here that has at its base some lack of communication (there's
my mantra again). He should certainly be more considerate and helpful
and understanding of your desires, not to mention basic chores,
but you need to talk about it more often than just every summer.
He's
Distracting You From His Failings
In adjacent sentences,
you call your boyfriend "lazy" and "sweet and genuine."
It sounds to me like he's genuinely lazy with an occasional halfhearted,
artificially sweetened effort aimed at getting you to forget his
failings.
"This"
IS Now
You say you don't know
if you can live the rest of your life like this. "THIS"
is what it is. "This" is who he is. You've had four and
a half years to test the waters, and it seems like they're too cold.
Being concerned for another's feelings is all well and good, but
you have to look out for yourself and your own needs as a top priority.
Find
Another
My bottom line? Cut
your losses and hit the ground running, smarter and more seasoned
than you were five years ago, and find a more compatible partner
with whom you can grow old.
-- Mensch
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