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Dear John,
"Try The Gradual
Approach"
This is definitely not
coming just from her son. My guess is that she is giving out signals
that yes, on some level, you are replacing her son's affections.
Frankly, in my book that's a healthy new bond, but it's not healthy
to make her son feel jealous, guilty, or displaced.
You Are Part Of The
Family Too
So, what do you two
do about it? I think that she has to make it really clear to herself,
to you, and the son, that her new family includes you -- forever.
She needs to create a special place for both of you so that the
issues of jealousy, competition, and hostility are minimized.
I don't think you can
eliminate these feelings, but ultimately enough trust should develop
between you and her son that you both feel like you can deal with
the feelings without letting them boil over into big "scenes."
Refrain From A Me
Vs. Him Situation
So, go slow. I think
the best strategy is to create a place where he feels safe and loved.
Are there activities that the three of you can do together that
he would really love? Are there ways that the three of you can come
together as a family, yet make the son feel like he is still a very
special person? Don't set it up as a dichotomy of me vs. him. It's
really about how the three of you can come together as a whole.
 His
Father Might Be An Asset
I don't want to be too
idealistic here. I think you are running into one of the hardest
issues with divorce and the reformation of families. What role is
the boy's father playing? He can be a safety valve if he is at all
in the picture. What I mean is that there could be times when the
boy's father could help out, not by removing him, but by encouraging
him to accept you. But that is often impossible. To what extent
can you and the boy relate individually?
If you can be friends
with him, and make it clear that you can never really replace him
in his mother's eyes, he could learn to trust you.
Good luck.
Love,
Charlie
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