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Jeannie
responds:
Bad
Example for Her Son
Yes, definitely,
his fiancee's priority should be her son...but what kind
of a mother, what kind of an example is she setting if she
allows her son to make her decisions for her?? It's a matter
of life and fact that sometimes, the people you love, your
family isn't going to. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't
love them still and work to integrate them into the family.
It can take time, but it can happen.
Mom's
Man
It is completely
understandable that her son is fighting this relationship,
fighting having another man in the house. HE was the man
in his mother's life, and especially after going through
a divorce, he's going to be even more afraid of losing his
mother to a new man.
She
Should Reassure Her Son
There are a few
things she could and should do...one, let her son know that
she loves him (and I don't just mean telling him)...let
him know that he is important to her, and always will be.
It's normal to get absorbed in a new relationship - everyone
does it. But she needs to remember her responsibility to
her son as well...spending time with just him, and also
letting him know the difference between her relationship
with her son and with her relationship with you.
 Single-Parent
/ Child Bonding
When a single
parent lives with a child of the opposite sex (and I am
speaking from experience in the child's eyes), they can
form a bond between them that makes them each other's significant
other. He has stepped up to the plate, and become the man
in her life. He's been the one there every day, and he's
had her undivided attention. Now all of a sudden, you are...you
have taken his place and he isn't needed anymore. He is
going to be scared, unsure of what his role is and where
he fits in anymore. He is going to resent you.
She
Must Re-Establish A Safer Relationship
Your fiancee
needs to establish a new, safe relationship with her son...as
her son, and not her significant other. She needs to set
the boundaries of her relationship with you, and the boundaries
of her relationship with her son...and always, always, making
him feel safe and loved.
Be
Patient While Things Change
As for what you
can do? Be patient...try and understand from his point of
view. Remember what he's feeling...he's jealous, he's uncertain,
he's afraid of losing the woman in his life. His relationship
with her IS changing...change can be difficult.
Respect
Him
There isn't much
that you can do to make him feel safe...but you can treat
him with respect. You can support her in her efforts to
make him feel safe, honor their relationship and not try
to become a part of it...just yet. Give him time to reconnect
to his mom on a new level, and once he's feeling safe with
that...he will be able to connect to you.
--
Jeannie
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