Dear Secret,

You Control Only Your Own Actions

This is a very sad situation. And unfortunately, the only thing you have control over in this situation is your own actions and reactions. You can't impact your girlfriend. You can't impact her parents. And you can't impact the relationship she has with them.

Tell Her Exactly How You Feel

Based on your letter, I assume you've told your girlfriend how you feel – it sounds like you have a very open relationship. If not, make sure to outline for her everything you've said here. How you feel left out. How you feel like a secret. How the situation makes you question whether you can have a relationship after college.

College Is When Adult Relationships With Parents Begin

True, it's her decision. But there are steps that he should follow first.

Once you've told her, SHE is the one with the ability to act. College is the perfect time to establish new, adult relationships with parents. We are far enough away that our interactions are fairly safe, but usually gaining the strength, independence, and character to make some real decisions.

A Novel Example

I've just finished a novel in which one of the last parts of the book involved a therapist helping a woman who had issues with her parents; the therapist finally said to her that if she wasn't going to be brave enough to initiate change in their relationship, the therapist could no longer help her.

I disagree -- she may be protecting him against their abusiveness.

You have a similar situation: your girlfriend is not being brave enough. Would you feel comfortable telling her that you no longer want to hear about her relationships, or even her conversations with her dad, unless she is going to be brave enough to do something?

How Much Will You Allow?

But we always have room to act. In this case, he should leave her.

Good luck. There isn't much advice to give you as you are not the person who needs to act here. You only need to decide what you are comfortable with, what you can say to your girlfriend, and how much you'll put up with.

–Judith