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Jeannie
responds:
This is too easy
of an answer for a difficult topic. I know some women (and
men!) who don't want their significant others anywhere near
their former lovers, and I also know other women (and men)
who regularly hang out as a couple with their former lovers-turned-friends.
Sound strange? It can be to anyone who doesn't feel that
comfort level.
It's
About Past Issues
I don't think
this is so much about the healthiness of the current relationship
as more about the past experiences and issues of each individual
person. You bring into every relationship you have your
experiences, your past history, your past relationship and
the attachments and connections that you've always felt.
You can have
one person (woman or man) who has been consistently cheated
on with former lovers, who would never be comfortable if
her significant other was still involved with an ex...you
can also have another person who has never had a problem
with exes, is friends with their own and sees no issues
if their lover is friends with their ex. And everything
in between...so how do you do decide what's right, what's
appropriate?
It's
About Degrees of Seriousness
I do think that
some of it depends on the seriousness of your relationship,
how much you are willing to consider your partner's feelings
and how much you are willing to compromise..how much a part
of your life you are willing to share with that person.
It's
About the Present
I think for a
lot of people, the uncertainty and discomfort comes from
knowing that the person you love and are with has a relationship
with another person, once intimate, that you are not a part
of. The "other" person, the ex, becomes someone to be afraid
of, because they aren't a part of your current life. Therefore,
it makes sense to make them a part of your current life.
My
Boyfriend's Ex
You have to be
willing to respect your partner's fears and feelings, and
work for a compromise. My boyfriend and I have found such
a compromise...we currently live together...He is still
good friends with his ex. I was extremely uncomfortable
with this at first. She was a part of his past, I felt,
and didn't belong in OUR future..I felt she was taking away
from me.
Our
Compromise
He and I talked
about the situation, and found a compromise -- we found
a way to make her a part of OUR life, not the other way
around. His ex-girlfriend and I have met, on numerous occasions,
in an effort to be comfortable with each other, we have
done our part to make the mystery not so mysterious. There
is always going to be an element of awkwardness, I believe...because
she shares a part of him that I am not a part of and never
truly will be...they will always have those memories together.
 My
Comfort Level
But he has worked
with me to make her in the present a part of our life, and
not kept their friendship separate. A lot of it is honesty,
making sure I know and understand their relationship, know
and understand her...and it does a lot for my comfort level.
Do I want her picture up in my house? No...but I don't mind
when they talk on the phone now.
Share
the Whole Package
If you are trying
to keep your former lovers/opposite sex friends separate
from your partner, then yes, they are going to have problems.
They will be the outsider, and that should never happen
in a relationship. Friendships should always be maintained
and respected...but I am a firm believer that once you make
a committment to someone, your life should be shared as
a couple..you almost come as a "package" deal...and just
as you would introduce your new love to your best friend
and family, you should also introduce them to those that
you are still friends with.
Include
Your Beloved
Make your life
with your partner the most important, and by that, I mean
include them in your relationships and in your friendships...you
may find that the answer to your question is a lot easier
then.
-- Jeannie
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