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Dear Just Wondering,
Simple
Answer:
The simple answer to
your question is: if your "significant other" is uncomfortable
with your continued relationship with an ex-lover, you must respect
that.
First
Allegiance
If your ex is really
a friend, he or she should understand and respect that also. Your
first allegiance belongs to your spouse (or intended spouse).
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If
your ex become huffy there is another explanation: They are
a true friend and are hurt that you are tossing their friendship
into the trash can. |
If your ex does not understand
or becomes huffy about this, you are seeing jealousy and the relationship
was probably not as platonic as you thought.
Women
Value Relationship
That said, I do think
that you can have interaction with exes. Some people are able to
handle that. The double standard that you see is simply a function
of the differences between men and women.
Because, for a woman,
the relationship is primary, she is more likely to want to have
a continued friendship with an ex. However, because she understands
the value and strength of those relationships she will be less comfortable
with you having them.
Men
Value the Physical
Men tend to value the
physical part of a relationship more and often have a lot of difficulty
converting a relationship from romantic to platonic.
Also, they are less
likely to be comfortable with a woman continuing a friendship with
an ex lover.
My Exes and Platonic Friends
My fiancé and
I had this discussion a while ago. Because we have both been single
for a while, we have developed a collection of friends of both genders.
He (like you) is quite comfortable with me having male platonic
friends.
However, he was not comfortable
with my ex-fiancé (the only one that I had slept with). So,
I ended that friendship.
My
Relationship With My Fiancé Is Most Important
My relationship with
my fiancé is more important than maintaining a friendship
with my ex. He also has female friends. I have no fears of physical
impropriety with any of them but I would be uncomfortable if he
were to spend more time or share more of himself with them than
he does with me. We both continue to see our opposite gender friends
(with whom we have not had sex) . However, we never see those friends
secretly and as much as possible we get together in groups. This
has worked well for us. Maybe it will work for you.
Importance
of the Sweetie
The bottom line is that
the relationship that you are currently in should be more important
to you than any others. If it is not you need to figure out why
you are wasting your time and energy on this person. Communication
is key. Find out which of your friends and which types of contact
are uncomfortable for your sweetie. Your friends (of both genders)
should want you to be happy. If your sweetie makes you happy, they
should be happy to oblige.
I hope this helps,
Jody
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