Dear Just Wondering,

Foundations

This is an interesting question. It comes down to the idea of what is the foundation of a friendship, what is the foundation of a relationship, and how different are these two things, really?

These concepts have evolved over time and evolve within our own lives. What we base a friendship or relationship on in our teens is different than in our twenties, thirties, forties, fifties, sixties, seventies, etc. AND the foundation of our friendships/relationships also varies with the person. It is a subject that has been explored over time, and has changed drastically in just my lifetime.

Grade School "Wisdom"

When I was in grade school and junior high, the "conventional wisdom" was that girls made horrible friends; that they would be backstabbers, jealous, or generally awful, while guys would be fun, loyal, and healthier to be around. By the time I got to high school most of us realized that that was a load of crap, but were still exploring ways that our friendships developed, ebbed and flowed, and commingled with our relationships.

Books on Female Friendship

Several authors have explored this and there are several current books on the topic (I haven't had the chance to read any of these, so I'm not endorsing them):

• Connecting: The Enduring Power of Female Friendship by Sandy Sheehy
  
  
• I Know Just What You Mean: The Power of Friendship in Women's Lives, by Ellen Goodman,Patricia O'Brien
  
  
• Girlfriends: Invisible Bonds, Enduring Ties, Carmen Renee Berry, Tamara Traeder
  
  
• Love&Friendship, by Allan Bloom

We Learn How To Be Good Friends

Think a little: How have you formed friendships and relationships in the past? Are any two exactly alike? Were there some people you felt an instant attraction to, and others you were not interested in at all until you got to know them on a deeper level?

We continue to learn how to be a good friend throughout our entire lives, just like we learn to be good lovers, spouses, parents, coworkers, etc. There are few hard and fast rules about what makes a good friend or is "reasonable"; it depends entirely on chance, circumstance, and the infinite details of the other person you are interacting with.

Consummation's Different Meanings

Is it reasonable for you to be jealous of past lovers but not previous crushes/attachments? Who knows? Maybe consummation of a relationship for you has special meaning (which I suspect, since you are unwilling to have sex with a friend, only with a lover).

But it only has ONE meaning to God.

That is just fine -- it just doesn't mean that consummation carries the same meaning for everyone.

Philosophical Discussion

I guess this is a non-answer; I really don't see that there is an answer to your question. Your question has caused me to reflect on my own friendships and relationships.

Speaking of philosophy, read about what platonic love, according to Plato, truly is. -- Webmistress Cynth

It's an interesting philosophical discussion, isn't it?

What is the ESSENCE of a friendship, and how is that different than the ESSENCE of a relationship?

It has nothing to do with philosophy. It's simple: don't do anything that bothers your significant other. My relationship with my fiancé is most important.

Have fun figuring it out; regardless of how complicated it all is, our relationships with others really are the most valuable things in our lives.

-- Judith