The "SHOW" Must Go On -- Or must it?

Dear Frank:

PDA in the News

Social affection is a much-debated issue. Consider what happened quite recently when [Vice] President Gore gave his wife a passionate kiss at the Democratic Convention. The news commentators and the media spin-doctors scrutinized this public display of affection for weeks. PDA became front-page news!

Varying Degrees of Comfort

It is important to note that there is no "right" or "wrong" approach to public affection. Some folks are more comfortable with it than others for a variety of reasons. People from different cultures, as well as people with different upbringings or even different religions, look upon such displays of affection with varying viewpoints.

Your Upbringing

The type of upbringing you had might also help to explain your comfort-level with public displays of affection. Did your parents show great affection for one another in front of you when you were growing up or did such gestures seem frowned upon in your home? If showing affection was not a common practice or was not acceptable in your household, this could be at the root of your deep level of discomfort?

You may need to peer back into your past a bit and take a hard look at the cast of characters who were living in your household. This may hold clues as to why you feel the way you do or react as you do to public displays of affection.

It's Your Life, Not Your Parents'

I think you're overstating parental influence. My parents weren't affectionate in public -- but I'm OK with PDA.

If your parents or other adults in your life were not open with their feelings and affection, it is important for you to realize one thing. You are not living your parent's lives and you are not under the watchful eye of their judgement now. This is YOUR life and it is your relationship that is at issue? Do you want to withhold affection or do you want to show it to the person you are in a loving relationship with now?

How Important Is Affection to Her?

You may take a conservative viewpoint on affection in public for other reasons. But whatever is determining your comfort level, it is important to determine how vital it is to you to hold tight to your viewpoint and your stand on this issue.

It may be important to her only because she doesn't understand. Just reassure her.

Also, how important is this issue to your girlfriend? She may have had a very different upbringing than you did where such practices were not only acceptable, but encouraged. Is showing affection extremely important to your girlfriend?

Healthy Sights for Children

The new thinking is that the healthiest behavior for children to witness is to see their parents showing affection for one another in the home. This breeds a comfort level for expressing feelings of affection in the children and also seems to enhance the child's feelings of security in the home. If this was not the case in your home, as it is not in so many other homes, it may explain why you are feeling uneasy with your girlfriend‘s shows of affection in public places.

Discuss It with Her

I would suggest that you discuss this matter and attempt to determine a comfort level that is agreeable to both of you. Some people feel very strongly that displays of affection should only go on behind closed doors. Others argue this point with a simply one word question -- "Why?"

To many, they see nothing wrong with caressing their partner¨s hand or giving a kiss in public. As long as both parties are comfortable with "how much" is displayed in public, there is no problem.

You Determine Your Comfort Level

There is a right answer: PDA's are wonderful.

Again, there is not "right" or "wrong" to this issue. You must determine a comfort level that you can both live with and this can only be determined by some thoughtful conversations on the topic and perhaps a compromise of sorts.

Let us know how these talks go and if you are able to reach a successful resolution.

--Miss Kitty