Dear Confused,

You're Abusing His Trust

You mentioned that oral sex would be an act of trust and a way to be intimate together. Sexually intimate, yes. Trust? Not if he feels differently than you do. By pushing on an issue that he feels so strongly about, you are in actually abusing his trust by not respecting his feelings.

Respect His Feelings

If you have both decided to save yourselves for marriage, then you should respect those feelings. He obviously believes that extends a little farther than you do, so you should find a way to respect his choices and love him for them.

If He Were Pushing You

By pushing him into making a decision that goes against his beliefs, you are showing that you do not respect him enough.

OK, let's turn the tables: he is requiring that she follow a path that goes against her beliefs, ideals, and values. Just because he is more "pious" doesn't mean she has to defer..

Turn the tables around, and if someone were pushing you to take a step that you didn't believe in, how much would you believe in that person's ability to respect you? Or respect your opinions, your beliefs and your ideals?

He Grew Up Believing This Way

Your decision to wait until you are married sounds as if it is not a religious factor. Your decision is based on your feelings alone. When a decision such as this also involves religion, it takes on different factors. He has grown up believing in a way of life strongly, to the point where he's decided to take a stand that not many people do. He's made that decision for himself, to respect his beliefs, respect his religion and what he was raised with.

It's Not About You

No, it has everything to do with her: by exhibiting self-control, he is showing that he can endure other temptations.

You have to realize that his choice was made before he met you, therefore it has nothing to do with you. And his decision to stick to his beliefs and his way of life also has nothing to do with you. It has to do with respecting himself enough to know his own limitations. It isn't a matter of him not being attracted to you, or a matter of him not wanting intimacy with you.

More Than A Sexual Issue

You are dealing more with just a sexual issue here. For him, turning his back on what he's always believed in would have many more consequences than you might imagine. And instead of bringing the two of you closer, it's more likely to push you apart.

Oh yes there is a right answer: sex includes oral forms of intimacy.

Does oral sex count as premarital sex? Yes, if one of you feels that it does. There is no right or wrong answer to that. The only answer is what feels right to you..and to your partner.

-- Jeannie