Dear Confused,

Untainted Love

Your last question shows that you have a misunderstanding of the role of sexuality in a loving relationship. Your boyfriend is not rejecting you by choosing to remain pure for marriage. He is showing that he obeys God and loves and respects you enough to not want to taint your future relationship.

Where Do Your Convictions Come From?

Sex is much more than a way to increase relational intimacy and there are many reasons why it should be saved for marriage. You say that you believe in saving yourself for marriage but you do not explain your reasons.

Just because his convictions are based on a spiritual mandate doesn't mean we can disregard HER convictions. She doesn't have to defer to the pious.

Clearly your boyfriend's convictions stem from an understanding of spiritual mandates and I commend him for that strength.

Reasons To Abstain From Premarital Sex

However, there are many other reasons to avoid sexual intimacy before marriage.

1. Sexual intensity becomes a substitute for intimacy. Sex is a very easy and quick way to feel close to a person. We are designed that way. If sex is not an option, the couple must direct their energies toward developing the interior dimensions of the relationship.
   

2. Sexual passion distorts judgment. The ultimate purpose of dating is choosing a life partner. Sex acts as a "relationship glue". It can hold together bad pairings just as well as it holds together good ones. When making a decision as important as who to marry, you need to keep a clear head.
   

3. Premarital sex weakens marriages. Think ahead ten/fifteen years. Wouldn't you feel more secure in your husbands vow to "forsake all others" if he had previously demonstrated that level of self-control with you?
   

4. Premarital sex is dangerous. I'm sure I don't need to list for you all of the diseases that can be shared through sex. All venereal diseases, including AIDS, can be transferred through oral sex

Oral Sex Is Sex

Which brings me to your other question. Unless you are Bill Clinton, YES, oral sex is sex!

Sexual intimacy is not a matter of Tab A into Slot B. It is a continuum that begins with touching and kissing and ends with orgasm.

Sex Includes Oral Forms of Intimacy

So, the question remains, how far is too far? From my experience the "Everything But (intercourse)" system is a recipe for disaster. Many couples seem to believe that rolling around naked together, fondling each other's genitals and oral forms of sex are somehow less intimate and therefore more allowable than sexual intercourse itself. While intercourse may be the main dish, all of those other activities are part of the meal as well.

Thigh Sex

I have a cousin who was conceived by "thigh sex" several months before his parents ever had intercourse. NEWS FLASH! Sperm swim!

Well, yeah. But what's wrong with real intimacy?

The other problem with the "Everything But" system is that it is a slippery slope. Once you've been naked together and your hands have touched each other's bodies and you've brought each other to orgasm, it seems almost silly to not "go all the way."

Other Ways of Expressing Love Endure Longer

Even wanting each other is bad. They shouldn't even think about it.

If you are truly committed to maintaining sexual purity in your relationship, keep your clothes on. Yes, it is frustrating at times when you really WANT each other and one or both of you feel the need to push away and take a breather. And yes, you will need to find other ways to show each other how desirable he or she is and how much you love him or her but it can be done. And thinking long term, it is those types of displays of love that will last much longer than sexual passion through the years.

-- Jody