Dear Panel,

My First Relationship

I am a 22-year-old graduate student working on getting my Master's degree in Computer Science. I've been horribly shy all my life, although that's getting better. I'm in my first relationship right now.

Amber

I'll call her "Amber." She's 22, as well, and she's a Music major (still an undergrad, though this is her last semester). I've never met anyone like her.

Max

Her other boyfriend, "Max", is a History major, also in his last undergraduate semester, and he's off to join the Air Force in a few months.

How We Met

Amber and I met in a Literature class we both took about a year ago. She struck me as being one of the most interesting people I've ever come across; I adored the way she thought about things, the way she saw life in general. Plus, she was cute. I liked her a lot.

Maybe I Could Steal Her From Max

After talking to her a few times, I found out that she had a boyfriend already: Max. By now, Amber and I were friends, and I had started to fall for her. I wasn't too far gone yet, though, so I just decided to see what happened. Maybe I could steal her from Max, maybe not. We'd see.

Our Lunches Together

We e-mailed each other a lot the summer after that class, and got to know each other really well through that. Better than I thought we would. The next semester, when school started, we got together for lunch. I had a WONDERFUL time with her. But she would just brush aside any compliments I gave her, and I just was unable to make any headway with her. We saw each other a few more times for lunch and such after that first time, but our meetings were few and far between. It got to the point that seeing her just hurt me - it was just a reminder that I'd never be able to be with her.

I Confessed My Feelings For Her

After spring break, she e-mailed me, asking if we could get together sometime for lunch or whatever. I can hardly believe I did this, but - I e-mailed her back, telling her no. I told her everything - how crazy I was about her, and how it hurt too much to see her because of how much I liked her.

This hit her much harder than I ever could have imagined. We hardly ever saw each other, but this rejection really upset her. She finally convinced me to see her a few days later, to talk about this. We talked, and she reluctantly agreed to not see me anymore – she didn't have much choice, really.

That night she e-mailed me. She was drunk, and had spent the whole night with Max, crying her eyes out because I didn't want to see her anymore. She also told me that she thought she "liked me more than she was supposed to." This e-mail was what did it for me – I realized just how badly I'd hurt her, and it sickened me. I loved her, and I caused her so much pain – I didn't want that.

I called her the next morning and begged her to see me, to go to lunch with me or something, just once, so we could talk. It took a while, but I got her to agree, and we had a pretty good time.
For the next few weeks, we saw each other more than we'd seen each other over the past six months - we were practically inseparable. Max was always busy with schoolwork and such, and didn't spend much time with her. We were still just friends, but I felt closer to her than I'd ever felt to anyone.

We Became Physical

Then, one night, it happened. After having dinner and a couple of drinks (just a couple), I kissed her. And she kissed me back. It was the single most wonderful moment of my life.

After that, we started to see each other romantically - but behind Max's back. After a few weeks, we started having sex. I was content to be with her, not really worried about the fact that she had another boyfriend. At this point, there was less than a month left in the school year; I would graduate and move back home, and she would stay there at school.

A Sad Graduation

I have never been so sad in my life as I was on the day that I left. I was convinced I would never see her again. I was head over heels in love with her, and she was in love with me too. But I had to leave - there was nothing I could do. And she still loved Max.
Fortunately, I was wrong about one thing. I saw her again that summer, before she left to study abroad overseas. We had a wonderful time. I saw her a few more times that summer after she'd gotten back to the States, and things were actually pretty good. But there was still Max.

She Wouldn't Break the Lease

To make matters worse, she was going to be living with him that next semester. The lease was already signed, and it had all been arranged before our first kiss took place. I tried to convince Amber to back out of the lease, but she wouldn't. She still loved Max, and while it would be hard to live with him while she loved me, she decided she would live with him until the end of the semester, at which point he would be sent off to God knows where.

I thought about breaking up with her over this, but I couldn't. She's been living with him since then, and she and I have been seeing each other occasionally, when she can find the time.

Her mood has been changing erratically, swinging between being "okay" and being horribly sad and depressed about her whole situation. She's terribly confused, I know, and she feels horrible pressure to make a choice between Max and me. She really doesn't know what to do.

She Talks About Breaking Up With Both of Us

For a time, I was optimistic, confident that once Max leaves to join the Air Force, things would work out for Amber and me. Now I'm not so sure at all. I don't think she'll break up with him when he leaves. A big part of her current depression is due to his leaving. She's made comments to the effect that she's considered breaking up with both of us, because she just can't handle the pressure of having to choose.

Max Feels Bad About the Flowers I Send Amber

She doesn't have any fun anymore - when she has a good time with Max, I feel bad about it, and when she has a good time with me or I have flowers delivered to their apartment or anything like that, Max feels bad about it.

She used to seem to enjoy life so much - I can hardly recognize her anymore. I love her so much. And I feel like I'm just breaking her - I know her problems aren't ALL my fault, but I feel that they are largely my fault. If I hadn't kissed her, or called her that morning after she'd sent me that drunken e-mail, or if I'd just shut up and gone to lunch with her every now and then until I graduated, none of this would have happened, and she'd be fine...

There's more to this story than that, I'm sure, but this is long enough as it is. I think I've covered most of the basics.

Just - what do you think? Do you have any advice for either of us?

-- Walter

Alex, Dakota, and Gillian answer this question.