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Dear Confused,
Mature
Relationships Are Not Simple
This is one of the hardest
things about an adult
relationship. When you are in high school, you rarely have to worry
about whether your futures coincide, or anything else, really, except
how you feel. Mature relationships, however, are rarely so simple.
You
Are Too Young To Marry
Think about your question.
You are asking if you should commit to a man who has told you in
no uncertain terms that he will not commit to you, or consider your
feelings in any of his decisions. Of course he loves you. You adore
him, forgive whatever he does, and expect nothing in return.
Now this is the lesson
of the situation: When grown people get together, there are things
that can break a situation just as surely as lack of love. An important
one is bad timing. My personal belief is that you are too young
to think about marriage. I guess about this your boyfriend and I
agree (as much as I hate to say it).
"Being
Ready" Is Not Enough
The sad part is that
you feel ready. And what do I know, you may be! But what makes me
think you aren't is the fact that you think that you being ready
is all there is to it. It is not just about what you want. It's
a relationship, it's about what both of you are willing and able
to build together. He had been very clear about what he is able
to do at this time.
You cannot continue to
give so much and think he will respect you or give you what you
want out of gratitude for all that you have given him. Love doesn't
work that way. It has to be given freely because of who the person
is intrinsically. Like the way you feel for him. It's not because
he is so successful, or because he is fulfilling all of your needs,
or because he is so great at this or that.
You
Let Yourself Be Used
I applaud your boyfriend
for his honesty, at least he has his wits about him enough to know
that things just don't feel right. If he was mature and cared about
you more perhaps he would have ended things with you to keep from
dragging out what must be torture for you, but he seems to be unable
to stop himself from using you if you keep offering yourself up
like a sacrificial lamb.
Be
Thankful That He Is Being Honest About Not Being Ready
Maybe in the future he
will feel ready, but for now you should thank heaven that he is
honest with you about his feelings. You guys could be having this
conversation 5 years from now with a couple of kids and a mortgage.
Now that's pain!
Let Him Go
I don't want to make
light of your situation, but for
now you really have to let him go. The timing is just not right.
As improbable as it seems right now, you will love again, if you
are strong and respect yourself enough to want to get as good as
you give. That is what you deserve, don't forget it.
Good Luck
Patra
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