Dear arie,

Your Fetish: Lose It or Share It

If you want to keep her, lose the fetish; or share it! In my opinion, she feels threatened because you are consumed with idealized depictions of women. Those ideal women are the stuff of fantasies. There is nothing wrong with fantasies, but it sounds like you are "caught up."

Looking at Beautiful Women Is Not the Same As Needing Porno

These fantasies are wrong. They are idealized views of femininity that we can't compete with. He is cheating on his girlfriend.

Every guy looks at beautiful women. Not every guy feels they "need" to have pornography (or even "men's magazines") around. She senses, I think correctly, that you are really into your private fantasy women. That makes her feel threatened. She never could live up to your fantasy. How would you feel if she plastered her walls with Tom Cruise posters? How can you compete?

Don't Pretend It Doesn't Matter

Ask yourself some questions:

• Why do you feel the need to look at these magazines?
• What are you getting from them?
• Do you need them to feel aroused?
• Are you not satisfied sexually without some kind of ideal or fantasy image?

I actually think it's okay to feel these things, and you will do better to acknowledge what really gets you going than pretend it doesn't matter.

Your Double Life

Now, the hard part:

• Can you include her in your fantasy life?
• Is your girlfriend really the one you are dreaming about?

Be serious about this or you will always lead a double life; many men have madonna/whore fantasies. Their girlfriend/wife is the innocent virgin Mary, and their fantasy girl is the ravishing pin-up. But, it doesn't have to be that way.

Find Common Ground

By sharing your innermost fantasies and talking about what turns you on with your girlfriend, you may find that there is a lot more common ground between you than you think. In fact, discovering your mutual fantasies can be a lifelong pastime that sure beats watching baseball!

Love,

Charlie