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Dear Panel,
I am Saibhin, a 24
year old divorced female. I have a lot of trust issues with men
in general, particularly with my current boyfriend.
He is Jacob, 25, also
divorced. He has cheated on his wife (with me), but claims he
never had before.
His Other Women
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• Carol, his ex-wife, the
one he cheated on with me, and the one he subsequently ended
our relationship for.
-
• Anita, the girl in Canada
he was with one week prior to coming to live with me.
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• Christa, the girl in
San Diego he told he would get back together with when he
moved back there.
He Was First a Crush
Five years ago I was in boot
camp and I met this gorgeous guy, drop dead gorgeous in fact.
The girls in my division all had their fantasies about him. Me
being shy, I just admired from afar. He wound up dating a girl
from my division, and we went on our separate ways. He was just
a crush, after all.
How We Got Together
Well, I moved to Hawaii, got
married, and after three years I was separated and sitting outside
my workplace with a friend. A guy was on the phone and he kept
STARING at me; it was getting rather disconcerting. Well, he got
off the phone and approached me, asked me what division I was
in in boot camp, and then I recognized him – it was my crush.
Our Indiscretion
He sat down and we talked;
it turned out he was married, but we decided to go out that night
with one of his friends. We went out, and it was intense: there
was just something there between us, and, however foolishly, we
acted upon it.
He left the next morning.
We didn't write one another,
but I occasionally kept tabs on where his ship was (Navy).
After He Divorced His Wife
Six months passed and he was
back; he called my workplace to get my number, informed me he
was now divorced, (not due to our indiscretion) and then invited
me to have dinner with his father and him. I went. It was like
no time had passed at all.
Our Long Distance Relationship
Needless to say, a relationship
started from there – very long distance, we never lived in
the same state, but it worked. We saw each other whenever we could.
It was paradise.
He Dumped Me for His Ex-Wife
A year later it was over:
out of the blue, he called me and told me he was in love with
another woman: his ex. I cried, I picked up the pieces, and I
moved on.
He was over that in a week,
but we were not OK. I saw him for a week in San Diego before I
moved to Texas . He saw me in Texas before moving home to Minnesota.
We both had relationships with other people.
He Returns to Me
Two months ago, he moved to
Texas to be with me. I never healed fully from the "ex incident",
but I have been making valiant attempts...
...until I found pictures
of a girl, and her bra and underwear in my house.
He Lied at First
I confronted him. He told
me the underwear was a gift for me, but I only wore that bra size
when I was 12. Then he told me Anita (the girl he dated
from Canada) sent them to him and he brought them with him to
send them back.
The only real things I know
are these:
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1. he has a low self-esteem,
-
2. he really does love me,
-
3. I really do love him,
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4. he has extremely poor judgment,
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5. and he is either very naive, or
thinks that I am.
I want to trust him. I don't
know how. I don't know what to believe. Logic tells me he drove
over a thousand miles to be with me; there has to be something.
How Many Women Does He Have?
I want to work through this,
but I can't live my life always wondering if there is somebody
somewhere else waiting on him – if I am not the only door
he left open in his life?
How do I learn to trust a
guy that betrayed me twice?
– Saibhin
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