The Myths About Trust
Trust is something that a lot of people take for granted. They believe they have the right to expect it from the outset, and they believe that they have the right to it without earning it. I have never believed that. I'm sure that anyone can say that they've lost trust in someone, or they themselves have betrayed someone else's trust. In either case, to build that trust again requires both people to actively understand and want it.
Only Yourself To Blame
Saibhin, I will be bluntly honest. Please understand this is just my opinion, from reading about ten paragraphs of your life, but more it is from my own experience.
I Had a Wandering Boyfriend
I found myself in a similar situation I was in love with a man who didn't seem to truly understand the meaning of fidelity. It wasn't that he didn't love me, because he did in the only way he knew how. That way, however, wasn't what I needed or wanted. When things were rough, or less than perfect or he just felt like something was missing, he would go wandering. I found myself on both ends of this spectrum the woman he betrayed and the woman he betrayed with, several times. I ultimately had to come to the realization that the longer I stayed, the more I only had myself to blame for it.
"Once, Twice, Never Thrice"
When someone has betrayed you twice, I will refer to what my college drama teacher told me long ago: "Once, twice, never thrice." I have found that it works in many areas of my life. You can give someone their first chance, and often times you can and should give them a second chance ... however, if in those two chances, nothing has changed, I don't believe there is anything to warrant the third.
The Pattern Is Yours
On the flip side, if you have found yourself in a painful situation where someone has betrayed you forgiveness can be a good thing and trying to work things out. However, if you find yourself in that situation repeatedly, somewhere down the line, you have to realize that perhaps this problem and pattern is your own to deal with. Why stay with someone who constantly hurts and betrays you?
No Reason To Trust Him
I don't believe that Jacob has given you any reason to trust him. You have to ask yourself in the story that he gave you about the other woman's clothing: how believable is it? If you feel in your heart that it isn't true, you should listen to that.
Only Lies Cover Up Lies
I cannot think of a single person who would even willingly put themselves in that position. He brought something into your house that should never have been there, no matter what the purpose of it. If it was truly something he didn't want, he should have thrown it away. The fact that he kept it somewhere, and that you found it and that he initially lied to you, according to your comments, says that he is not being honest with you on any level. Lies are the only things that will cover up other lies, and eventually the truth becomes nonexistent.
"Head, Heart and Soul"?
Jacob, you say that you get into your relationship with "head, heart and soul". If that is the case, then why, before your marriage was over, were you involved in even the slightest way with Saibhin? If so, then why does another woman currently believe that her interest in you is warranted? A woman is not going to send a "gift" like that without believing that it will be accepted easily. I wonder if you are being totally honest with yourself, much less with Saibhin.
If You're Going To Make It
You have a serious issue of trust to deal with I think with giving and receiving it. I have never known a relationship to be successful without trust. Jacob, you comment that in order not to hurt the ones you love, you've been less than honest with them. It's not always easy to do or say the right thing, especially when you know you are going to cause someone pain. However, it is more honorable to be completely honest and trustworthy in everything you say and everything you do.
Earn Her Trust
If you want Saibhin's love and trust, you will have to earn it. You have to show that things are different.
When the distrust is there and exists to such a high level, every small thing will either expand that distrust or dissipate it a little. You need to be aware that once a trust is broken, it's much harder to rebuild it than it is to gain it the first time.
How You Handle Mistakes Determines Character
It's a matter of life, a matter of being human. No one is perfect, nor should you have to be perfect for each other. It's what you do with those mistakes that creates the character that you are. You can make a mistake, and learn from it hopefully the both of you have learned from the mistakes that you've already made in your relationship.
Discover Why You Always Let Him Betray Your Trust
The mistakes that Jacob has made have broken your trust more than once, Siabhin. You seriously need to consider not only what it would take for you to trust him again, but if this is really something that you want to do. You should also consider your own issues for getting involved with a man who was emotionally unavailable when you first met. You need to start looking a little deeper inside to figure out what part of you is not being fulfilled and why you keep searching elsewhere for it.
Earning Back Your Trust
If this relationship is worth working at for both of you, you have to build a new level of trust between you. Sometimes it can be as simple as knowing when he'll be home at night, or getting a phone call sometime in the middle of the day to say hello. Those are things that will help you feel a little more secure every time it happens, Saibhin. You might try to figure out what ways you can help Jacob build trust with you again.
Extending Your Trust
You also should be willing to extend that trust. If he is doing his part and showing you in every way that he can, you have to be willing to open your heart and your trust a little bit at a time. It won't be easy, and it won't be overnight. But if you both want it, and are willing to work at it, then you can start small and rebuild from there.Click here to see the full question & other panelists' responses.
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