Dear Irishknot,

Living Together Before Marriage Is Morally Wrong

I agree with you completely! Personally, I believe that living together before marriage is morally wrong. But even if you disagree with this moral perspective, I think there are also lots of common sense reasons to avoid living together until you are married.

Commitments Are Unconditional

Yes, but you should only make an unconditional commitment AFTER you know what you are getting yourself into. It's good the test the waters before marriage.

The whole point of making a commitment is to make it unconditionally. The idea of having a "trial run" to "see how it goes" goes directly against the whole point of making a commitment. When you are married, you must simply find a way to make it work. Period.

Living Together Is a Cop-Out

Is test-driving a car before you buy it a cop-out?

That may sound simplistic, but if two people are not willing at the outset to approach marriage that way, then I don't think they should get married. Living together first can be a cop-out.

Waiting Strengthens the Bond

You're looking for a way out before you have even begun – If he says that he wants to marry you and is willing to make that commitment, then he should be willing to wait to live with you until he follows through on that commitment. If he really means what he says, you will ultimately get married and live together anyway. So, there is no harm in waiting. It can only strengthen your bond once you are finally married because of the anticipation, the strength of character that is developed in waiting and doing the right thing, and the reassurance of knowing that he respected your feelings in handling it this way. You and your son have a lot to potentially lose by living with him now, and nothing to lose by waiting.

Why Not Commit Now?

You should also look at this from his perspective. He says he wants to eventually get engaged and then eventually get married another year later. That makes me wonder, why can't he just make the commitment to marry you now? And why should he expect to enjoy the privilege of living together, but not actually marry until one full year later? Why not commit now?

Easier To Back Out Without the Commitment

Maybe. But who says living together has to be permanent? After you test the waters, you can move out until you are married.

Think about this logically.... After you move in with him, would he still be as motivated to propose and then marry if he already has the privilege of living with you? What would change in your relationship after you get married, since you are practically living as a married couple anyway? The point is, it's easier for him to back out of it because he already has many of the perks of marriage without the commitment.

Hold Out

So, I would hold fast to your principles on this. Expect him to demonstrate his love for you by respecting your feelings about this. Hold out for the best... Don't settle!

– Hope