...I think there are also lots of common sense reasons to avoid living together until you are married.

The whole point of making a commitment is to make it unconditionally. The idea of having a "trial run" to "see how it goes" goes directly against the whole point of making a commitment. When you are married, you must simply find a way to make it work. Period.

Lefty responds:

Trial Runs Don't Contradict Commitments

Waitaminit! Now I'm confused, Hope. Why is a making a "trial run" antithetical to making a "commmitment"? I don't recognize the logic in that. The whole meaning of any kind of "trial run" is to decide if something works. You don't buy a car without test driving it. Why should this be different?

Entering Blindly

Your idea of commitment in marriage is that it's total, must be made to work, and cannot be backed out of. Then wouldn't the smart person want to do everything they could before making the commitment, to make sure that it's the right marriage? Yet you imply the opposite: That absolute commitment should be entered blindly. Is that really what you mean?

Would you also forbid people from doing any of the other things that help them know whether this is the right marriage? Should couples not date, meet the family, discuss interests, meet friends, etc.?

You certainly did all these things with your husband before you married him.

Are you really advocating that we go back to arranged marriages?

Why must everyone be mashed into an oblong hole?

Living Together IS a Commitment

In fact, deciding to live together IS a commitment. And it's a bigger commitment than most couples realize. It is difficult to date others when you're living together. You will see more of each other constantly. And you, to some extent, will share each other's property. I know of married
couples who live apart from each other. Isn't living together a greater actual "commitment" than that made by those couples?

And social mores change over time periods. Back in the 60's and 70's, it was considered de rigeur to live with your girlfriend. Most of my friends would not have considered anything else. I have not done one of my "Lefty Surveys", but anectotally at least, my friends have had many happy and successful marriages, by any reasonable standards. Do you think that their "living together" tainted them in any way? Or was it just the time of the season?

Bottom line – If you believe that living together before marriage is a sin – I can accept that as your belief. But to argue that not living together is "common sense", is ridiculous.

– Lefty

Click here to see the full question & other panelists' responses.

What do you think of this Answer?