Dear Irsihknot,

Testing Out the Waters Before Marriage

I personally feel that it is sometimes a good idea to test out the waters before entering a marriage; of course, it also has major setbacks. Such as each of you discovers things about each other that can really turn you off, like he leaves his dirty underwear on the living room floor even though he undresses in the bathroom and you also find out how angry you can get, especially if the trash isn't thrown out on a
regular basis.

No Commitment, No Basis For Working Out Problems

That's why testing the waters is bad; it's too easy to back out of the commitment.

There are endless character defects that you can find in each other, and since the commitment of marriage doesn't yet exist, there is not always a basis for working things out. Of course some people would consider this an added bonus.

Living Together Doesn't Have To Be Permanent

I have lived with at least 2 different boyfriends in the past, one of which is my fiancé. My fiancé and I are no longer living together, and are happier now than ever before. I would say that living together before marriage has definitely affected our decision to get married, but I'd have to say it has been for the best. We have decided to wait until December of 2001, because we realized that neither of us was quite ready to make that big of a commitment. We have realized our needs to grow as individuals, we also have
several other personal issues to work on before we can consider growing as a couple.

Your Fiancé Needs Reassurance

I think your boyfriend's issues may concern his need for reassurance regarding how he feels about you and vice versa. Perhaps he has been hurt in past relationships, and wants to be sure you can be trusted with his heart. I believe his concerns are compatibility-motivated, and although there are other ways to establish "what lies beneath", I'm sure that if he truly cares for you in the way he appears to, he will be understanding of your needs.

Don't Compromise Your Values

I agree – people have their own views on living together before marriage, and shouldn't let anyone tell them they're old-fashioned.

It would be wise to explain to him that you still want to marry him and that he is the man for you, if in fact you believe he is. However I don't think you should compromise your values. If I had known in the past what I know now I would have waited until getting married to live together, simply because the stress involved in planning a wedding is enough for any couple to drive each other crazy. Arguments could run rampant and anything is possible when people are under pressure.

He May Respect You More for Making Him Wait

Just remember to take it easy and breathe. If he truly loves you he'll wait, and you may even earn more of his respect and appreciation if he realizes he has to work just a little bit harder to win you over.

– Mary