Dear Panel,

I am 20 years old, sweet, very loving, pretty shy, reserved and quiet at most social functions, I have a tendency to be at the giving end of relationships, and I often end up getting walked all over. Even though I'm quiet, I'm very stubborn. I don't like big social gatherings, but I like small get-togethers with close friends. I have a history of depression and eating disorders.

Jay is my boyfriend of 3 years. He's 20 years old. He's the kind of guy that is big and tough on the outside, but on the inside he's a teddy bear. He has a volatile temper, he's stubborn. Jay is much more social and outgoing than I am.

Our Parents

Jay's parents are both mean-spirited and selfish people. Jay lives at home. I've seen for a fact that his parents value material things more than they value Jay. Both parents have very volatile tempers, and his dad is an alcoholic.

My parents are both very quiet, subdued people. My mom has a history of depression, and has tried to beat down my self-esteem as long as I can remember.

How We Met

Once upon a time Jay and I met in high school. We were friends for about 2 years. The whole time Jay pursued me, and I didn't really start to like him until senior year. We started dating Dec.1997. We've had our ups and downs, and we love each other deeply,

Our Breakup

But this past year has been the pits. In July 2000, I broke up with him for a while because he was hanging around other girls and did not tell me. Did I mention that I tend to be jealous? Well, anyway, I found out from Jay's best friend that he was hanging out with his ex-girlfiend quite a bit. At the same time, I felt that he was abandoning me. So I told him,"If you want to date other people, go ahead, but don't expect me to wait around. Get on with your life if you want, and I'll get on with my life too."

We were broken up for about a week and Jay came back to me and professed his love, etc. I know for a fact that he never actually cheated on me. He was just hanging out with other girls.

Our Depression

Lately, in the past two weeks, though, things have gotten worse. I feel like he's kind of drifting away. I can feel myself sinking into depression, and I suspect that Jay is depressed, too. In fact, he's told me himself that he feels depressed most of the time. I heard once that being around a depressed person is like being around a black hole, and it just sucks the energy out of you. That's how I feel around Jay a lot of times. And, it undermines my thinking that I should single-handedly make everything better.
Should I persevere with Jay and both if us get counseling, or move on??

-- Annie

Charlie, Judith, Indigo, and Berly answer this question.