Dear Amanda,

Being "Protective" Doesn't Mean He Wants More

A pool of friends is often a good place to find budding relationships. Perhaps this was just something waiting to happen. You say Dave was "protective" of you. I know that I would look out for the well-being of all my female friends, I'd say any decent guy would. It shouldn't have any bearing as to whether or not you want more from them.

There are other things to consider about your friendship:

You seem to believe that you had a fulfilling and healthy friendship with Dave, yet when you did, you never saw it as anything more than a friendship-love.

Winning Your Heart with a Motel Romp

If it's a good romp in a motel room that wins your heart over, you may find yourself in lots of bad relationships! Keep in mind; of all the things Dave has given you, that good romp is probably the last thing he'll still be able to give you once you two have grown old with each other.

Sexual Tension in a Friendship

Your feelings are natural, however. Let me explain why I think you're feeling the way you are. First of all, I think it has little bearing on your romantic compatibility with Dave. This is important. You're experiencing the thrill of acting on sexual impulse and curiosity that you previously resisted and had obviously been mounting.

Of course, finally acting on it was a very cathartic, wild, and wonderful experience. Why shouldn't it be? You let the tension build over your friendship, and when any wall of tension exists – it's only natural to want to break it. And when such curiosity exists – it's only natural to want to discover!! When you finally did, it's no surprise it was an amazing experience.

Loving the Experience Instead of Dave

In any form, breaking long-set boundaries, answering lingering curiosity, spontaneous actions, and new experiences in general are very momentous, exciting, dramatic, epic, etc., etc.. The human race would be doomed if we weren't drawn to such experiences. We would never evolve. I think you have to realize that this is why you are feeling the way you do. I'm guessing the overload of excitement isn't necessarily a love for Dave. It's a love of the experience you had with him.

Planning Worries

I'm really curious as to what put you two alone in a motel room overnight?? What did you think would happen? Were you planning on having sex? Was he? I'm assuming that if he had condoms, then he probably planned it. Or was prepared for it. But if he didn't and this was unprotected, you may have bigger things to worry about right now besides Dave's feelings for you.

He Doesn't Seem to Return Your Love

From the little you gave us, I saw no strong proof that your feelings for Dave are requited. I just see signs that he wanted to get in your pants. I wouldn't be too surprised if Dave thinks he has some feelings for you. He obviously liked you as a friend. And probably finds you at least somewhat physically attractive. And now you've given him all the benefits of a relationship without him having to offer a commitment. Don't be too surprised if all of a sudden he's holding back once you're seeking one from him!

You say he probably doesn't feel much for his girlfriend to have done what he did with you. That's probably true. But spin it this way; how much could he care for you if he's known you this long but is making commitments to other women?

Listen, I'm not saying I think you or Dave are bad people. Failure to be mature in dealing with your sexual urges is an incredibly common fault among people our age. I'll plead guilty to that charge myself.

But the fact that Dave propositioned you, from the opinion of a 19-year-old, says little about his true feelings for you. As I already said, you two put yourselves in a very sexually tense situation. I don't think it would take much emotion for the situation to go as far as it did, just time.

On top of that, I think it's very common for young men to feel sexual tension for any woman that they're close to.

(I can't speak for the elders, but I'm sure it's true to an extent for them as well.)

Is He Worth It?

But things certainly aren't hopeless. You shouldn't worry right now if Dave has feelings for you. I think you need to examine your feelings for Dave. If Dave really is worth your heart, then what better way to find out then by seeing how he handles this situation with you?

Talk to Him

Definitely talk to him about it, ask him his feelings about the situation. You don't have to let on any of your feelings in the process, but whatever he asks you; I'd be honest. If he does have strong feelings for you, he'll show you by being considerate of your feelings and by trying to work out this situation with humility.

A Mistake

What you two did wasn't evil, but I'd say it was a mistake. Just because he had a commitment, if for no other reason. You two may be rather young and a bit immature (ha! I'm talking as if I'm so much older), but that doesn't mean this can't be resolved in a mature fashion.

When I was 17, I fooled around with a girl that a close friend of mine had a crush on. I felt guilty for a long time, and was nice to him, but didn't tell him for a little while. But eventually things got difficult, and the girl and I approached my friend openly and apologetically. He took it hard at first, but we got past that. The girl is now out of our lives and we're still great friends.

Resolve the Issue

First work things out with Dave. You've already shown maturity by the guilt you feel towards the effect this may have on his girlfriend and your desire to work it out. Don't stop there! Approach Dave however you're most comfortable (over the phone, with a letter, in person, whatever!) letting him know that this is an issue that needs resolution. His behavior will be a good sign as to whether he's truly worth your friendship, or even more- your heart!

– Junior