Emily,

An Interesting Question

This is an incredibly interesting question – it made me stop and think for a while.

Virgin Men Over 25 Are Unlikely

First, have you talked to other people (virgins and not) about the issue? I'm not sure how likely it is statistically that a man at 25 or above is a virgin, but I'm sure there are some.

Virginity on the Web

You obviously used Google's SafeSurf filter, because all I got were porn sites.

When I did a search on Google on "virginity" the search engine returned 163,000 pages – so there must be people interested in the topic. Have you been looking into it? (Don't enter "Virgin" - all the sites that come up are Virgin records and airlines sites)

Why Do You Want To Marry a Virgin?

Is the primary reason for your virginity because you think your future husband (whoever he may be) will find YOU gross if you are not a virgin? I can't understand what your reason is from your letter.

Whatever your reason for remaining a virgin until marriage, it sounds like your ideas of sex are causing you problems and trauma now in your current relationships, so I'm going to focus on those issues here.

Sex Is Gross

First, sex IS gross in a lot of ways. While there are as many varieties and types of sex as there are people on earth, the reality of sex is much more banal than what you would see on a soap opera, for example. It is a sweaty, messy, generally damp activity – nothing like the hazy, pink toned, genteel thing you see on TV.

You must already know that from the "everything else", though. That is somewhat of a surprise to a lot of people – and young women in particular, I think. Although human desire is complicated, I bet a lot of people are surprised by how much they love that physical, earthy aspect of sex. There is an element of that earthiness during the "everything else" – do you find yourself turned off, worried, or grossed out by it?

He CAN Control Himself

Second, (good thing for that nice transition from the previous paragraph) human desire is complicated. In the instance of your current boyfriend, for example, you say "he obviously wasn't able to control himself in the past".

Although his previous experiences have nothing to do with his ability to control himself; they have to do with who he was at the time, who he was with at the time; what he wanted at the time; and what he felt like at the time. There have been times in the past where he has also "controlled" himself – and if you weren't so grossed out, you could ask him about them. With you, if he didn't "control" himself when you were unwilling to have sex, he'd be raping you.

Does a little part of you think that is the way it is supposed to be? (I hope the audience doesn't get mad at me – the myth of the sexual rape is something often discussed in women's studies classes; see Tara and Other Lies for example).

Work Out Your Issues

I think you are going to have to talk to a lot more people than a Love and Learn advice columnist to sort out your feelings of insecurity, jealousy, and disgust regarding sex. There have been times during breakups in the past where I've felt queasy at the thought of my then-boyfriend going on to be with someone else, and also periods during relationships where I've been insecure about my own performance

I can't relate, either. But I understand – it's called JEALOUSY!

But I simply can't relate to the idea of being sick from the idea of other relationships/experiences. Not at 25, at least.

Something seems to be interfering with your ability to have mature, adult relationships and attitudes about sex, regardless of your "status". Please talk to other people about it, virgin and not, to work out these issues.

– Judith