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Dear Quasi-Single Mom,
You obviously care very much about your daughter and helping her
achieve a bright future.
There are three major issues we found in your note. The obvious
is
- the parenting issue,
- Barbie, and
- your past/existing/future family dynamic.
The Parenting Issue
On the parenting issue: you are the parent and your boyfriend is
not. What you say, goes.
However, unless you had previously indicated that you did not want
your daughter to play with a Barbie, he did not cross over any line.
Determine Your Rules
On the other hand, if he should marry you and assume parental responsibility
for your daughter, the parenting rules must change. You will need
to fully discuss your expectations of each other (not just your
expectations of him) to determine where the 'lines' are.
The 60/60 Rule
Both of us had to really work out what we wanted of each other
and our kids. We agreed on most things, and when we didn't, we compromised
until we reached consensus.
Compromise doesn't mean that one party has to 'give in' to the other,
but often both sides settle for a better ideal. We use the 60/60
rule: each of our opinions has a weight of 60%. We both give our
60% and then toss out 10% each.
The Barbie Issue
As for Barbie: we think you've been given a great opportunity to
expand your daughter's creativity, which is obviously extremely
important to you. Of the four things with which you would prefer
to have her work, each involves creativity. They are also only tools
for structured creativity. Your daughter can only use the violin
to play the notes that are written on the page or allow her to play
the notes in her head.
Free-Flow Creativity
A Barbie doll is absolute free-flow creativity. There is no set
way to play with it; your daughter has to dream up everything on
her own. Her intensity of desire for this new play indicates to
us that she has enormous free-flow creativity that has not yet been
tapped.
Barbie as a Reward
Also, now that you know she has this driving interest, you can
use Barbie as leverage in a reward system to encourage her practice
of the violin. You may say that for every half hour of practice,
your daughter could earn fifteen minutes with her Barbie.
Family Dynamics
Finally there are the family dynamics: the family situation involving
a deceased father, a current boyfriend, and a prospective new husband
make this issue unique. We think that if you were to give your daughter
a Ken doll to go with her Barbie, you may be surprised at the outcomes.
Role-Playing a New Family
Your daughter surely has issues with each of the family situations,
from the male and female role-model sides as well as the interaction
between the two. If you played with dolls when you were younger,
you will remember playing out the perfect family as well as any
negative issues and anxieties you were experiencing as reflected
in your own family.
Again, we think you have a great opportunity with Barbie –
listen to your daughter play with her dolls. She will act out both
the positive and negative feelings she's experiencing with her father's
death, your boyfriend, and how she would feel about your possible
marriage.
Done with care, you and your boyfriend can quell some parenting
issues as she sees them before they become significant problems.
We wish you three the best of luck.
– Brad & Heather
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