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Dear Amy and Jay,
You guys sound very self reflective and thoughtful. I have a feeling
that you don't need advice so much as the opportunity to write out
your opinions and ideas and get a second opinion on them. So –
here is your second opinion.
It's OK To Place Your Partner on a Pedestal
You do sound great together. There are many people who will disagree
with me, but I think it is OK to put your partner on a (not too
high) pedestal – which you both seem to be doing. You both
talk about how great the other is – and this is the #1 key
to a great relationship, the ability to love someone for who they
are AND who they can be simultaneously.
You Can't Change Each Other
The #2 key – which you may have a little more difficulty with
– is realizing that who they are and who they will be is up
to them. As a partner you can provide support, encouragement, and
love, but you can't motivate someone to become something else. So,
Jay, you can't help Amy become more emotionally independent. If
she wants to become more independent, she will.
Mangage Your Responses to Her Dependency
Instead you have to find strategies for dealing with a dependence
that might not be 100% comfortable to you – in other words,
manage your own responses to her occasional dependency.
For example – in a stressful situation, Amy becomes more needy;
instead of freaking out, you should step back, say to yourself that
you recognize that this is how Amy responds to stress, communicate
with Amy about how YOU respond to stress, and don't let things escalate
or get out of control.
Don't Make Him Feel Inadequate
Another example: When you, Amy, realize that Jay could be fulfilling
his potential in better ways, but he reacts by getting uncomfortable
or feeling threatened when you tell him, step back and tell yourself
that you don't have to keep pushing it, Jay is an adult and can
make decisions for himself, and that it may take him a while to
figure out what he wants to do, but that is what 20 is for. You
can let him know that you'll support him and help him in anyway
you can without making him feel inadequate.
Disrespectful Friends Are Unacceptable
Now, you have both recognized one problem in your relationship
– Jay's friends. It is absolutely NOT OK for them to be making
hurtful remarks to Amy. Not to say that Jay has to break it off
with them. Instead, Jay, you need to let them know that you love
Amy and expect your friends to recognize that by treating her with
respect.
Disrespecting Amy is a way of disrespecting YOUR choice in a partner,
and that is not acceptable. You and Amy need to set boundaries to
make sure that this type of activity does not happen, no matter
what the status of your relationship is.
Ups and Downs Are OK
I don't under any circumstances want to belittle your problem,
because I've been in two back and forth relationships, one in high
school and one in college, and know it can be excruciatingly painful.
That said, I really think that other than the stress and emotional
drama that your short breakups have caused, it is OK for a relationship
at your age to have its ups and downs. You don't have children yet.
You are still learning to be adults and have adult relationships.
You are not married.
Developing the Skills To Eliminate the Ups and Downs
I don't want to make light of it, but perhaps all the ups and downs
have helped you both to become the thoughtful and reflective young
adults you are. If you can get past the hurt and look at your relationship
that way, you may feel a lot less anxiety over the whole thing,
and begin to be grateful for all you've learned from each other.
If you add to that some additional skills of
- stepping outside of the situation,
- understanding the other's point of view, and
- the ability to express your own point of view,
your ups and downs may even out and you will eliminate some anxiety
and the emotional roller coaster of occasional breakups.
Best of luck to you both. It sounds like you are becoming thoughtful,
kind, wonderful people, and I commend you.
– Judith
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