How do I get more of her attention?

Answers:

Dear Curious,

We've both been in a situation like this before from both sides of the equation, and have different perspectives. With this in mind, we're going to give you Heather's feelings, Brad's experience, some thoughts on women's friendships, and our joint conclusion.

Heather's Feelings:

She May Not Be as Interested

What makes you think she's not interested? She sends him cards and makes time for him. She likes him a lot!

Alright, I've been this girl before. Unfortunately for you, I was only that girl when I was pretty uncommitted to pursuing a lasting relationship with that person. My instincts say that she is simply not as interested as you are.

My Husband Waited Silently

You shouldn't wait silently just tell each other what you need.

Fortunately for you, I felt that way when Brad and I first met. I really wasn't very interested in an exclusive relationship. Odds are against you – I was that girl many a time, but...

He didn't push me by asking me to change my life for him. He stood in silent vigilance and met my every need, happily, and on my schedule. He was the guy who broke down the massive walls I had built after a ton of bad and worse relationships.

It wasn't long before I was enticed over to his side of the world – where I wanted to stay. I thought I won because I did everything on my terms, but in reality HE was the one who got exactly what he wanted.

(Brad's doing a victory dance right now.) He knew I was the one for him after our first date (he even called his parents – that's confidence!), and so he decided I was worth waiting out.

It's Not You

But it IS about him. He needs something he's never had.

What your girlfriend is playing out is damage from someone else, not you. You are just going to have to take a back seat for a while.

Brad's Experience:

I Used To Feel Left Out

Been there! I once dated a woman (aside from Heather) who had also been in a string of bad relationships, and was in one at the time. I, too, really thought things were great when we were together but then I felt left out when she would spend time with her other friends.

She said many of the same things about believing that she was a very affectionate person but not always showing it. Time passed and so did any thoughts of romance; all the better for me as I met Heather a year later.

Pay Attention to What She Does

Yeah, right. It's hard to pay attention when her dog's hynie is in your face.

Women talk about their feelings and demonstrate them in other ways. Pay attention to what they do, that's what counts the most. She's showing you she's not as ready to be as deep as you are yet.

You Can't Be Her Only Friend

We guys get the feeling that we have to be the focus of our woman's universe. Even after six years of studying my wife and the psychology of relationships, I can't be her only friend 24 hours a day. Men weren't built that way, and women need to have women friends.

Men Can't Handle Women's Release of Emotion

Women absolutely need friends – to a much larger degree than men do. A woman who has no friends will often turn a beautiful relationship sour. They need "sounding boards" for many reasons. They absorb all of the emotions around them – from their family, friends, work, and even the television. This creates a need to release those emotions, and men aren't as equipped to handle those releases. Men are generally less affected by the same situations, and aren't as able to understand them.

It's Not Nagging; It's Venting

Women also need to vent, or even just mention, their minor frustrations about everything to an empathetic ear. Brad is my perfect husband, and even so there are little things that frustrate me – generally housework related. If I were to tell him "I really wished you had helped with the dishes" every time I thought it, he would think I was nagging and unsatisfied in my marriage.

Instead, I rely on my wonderful girlfriends – not to commiserate, but simply to release. It makes me feel better, the negative feelings disappear, and I don't have to make a situation out of nothing.

Each time we moved, it was hard on Brad before I made friends and had to "complain" to him. He thought I was complaining and nitpicking, and I knew I was just talking. I didn't need anything to change, I just needed to grump for a second. He was wonderful and tried hard to be my sole friend and listening ear, but even as my best friend, he couldn't keep up.