Dear Curious,

A Hard Lesson To Learn

There is one thing that people in a relationship have a really hard time learning. Even I am struggling with it – I know it logically, but sometimes have trouble accepting it. But once you can accept it, you become much less nervous and anxious about the status of your relationship.

You Will Always Be #2

I disagree. A boyfriend or girlfriend should come FIRST.

That one thing is: you will ALWAYS be number two in a relationship. The reason is because our first priority must always be ourselves. No other person can ever completely fulfill us, consume us, complete us, make us happy, or any other little euphemism. Individuals can only learn how to make themselves happy and as a result treat other people nicely.

She Can't Be Your Only Happiness

So why are you not #1 to yourself? Why aren't you making yourself happy? Well, you might say to yourself (believe me, as I have, because I, too, like to spend a lot more time with my sweetie than he likes to spend with me) "What makes me happy is spending time with HER!"

If he pretended not to want to be with her as much, it could change the whole balance.

Well, there have to be other things that make you happy. She can't be the only thing that makes you happy – and relationships rarely make it past the first rush of obsession in the first few months if that is the case.

I've had to do a lot of work on this issue personally. I like to be with people all the time – and my fiancé most of all. My fiancé, on the other hand, is a bit of a loner who just needs time to himself a lot of the time. We've had many, many fights about how much time he spends with me and how important I am to him.

Telling Each Other What You Need

We are getting much better at it, though – after almost eight years together! I've learned to say to him "I really would like some attention today!" and then he sets aside time for me. His willingness to do that helps remind me how much he loves me and is willing to do things for me.

On the other hand, he has learned to say "I need some time alone now" and I've learned to accept that and honestly, my life has become richer. I've learned to entertain myself, and have pursued some new interests, including starting my own business.

You May Be Too Different

Saying they're too different is a cop-out. – Reader Tom

Start thinking honestly about what makes you happy and be honest about what makes her happy. It may be that they are SO different it won't work out for the two of you. You haven't invested enough in this relationship yet to make that a tragedy – you'll live. But if you find out you can accept each other's differences, you will be much happier.

– Judith